A Divorce Lawyer’s Perspective On Love & Marriage - James Sexton

Why Are So Many Marriages Failing? (00:00:00)

• Disconnection, caused by the accumulation of small, frequent disconnections, is the root cause of many failed marriages.
• Open and honest communication, even when difficult, is crucial for maintaining a healthy relationship.
• Prioritizing the long-term health of the relationship sometimes requires making tough choices.
• Addressing issues early on can prevent them from escalating into major problems.
• A sign of a serious relationship is the willingness to disagree and be honest, even if it's uncomfortable.
• Investing in a relationship requires effort and sacrifice, but it's worth it for long-term happiness.
• Working on weaknesses and improving oneself is essential for a healthy relationship.
• Prioritizing long-term happiness over short-term romantic desires is crucial for a successful relationship.

Most Common Reasons for Divorce (00:06:31)

• Infidelity, often caused by a lack of connection in the primary relationship, is a major reason for divorce.
• Social media platforms and technology have made it easier to engage in infidelity by increasing interactions with people outside the relationship.
• The abundance of potential partners accessible through technology makes infidelity more convenient and easier to conceal.
• Cheating can damage self-esteem, but it's not entirely preventable.
• All relationships end either in death or divorce, with a significant portion ending in divorce or misery.
• Many couples stay together unhappily for various reasons, which may not be considered a win.
• The current divorce rate is 56%, not accounting for unhappy marriages that don't end in divorce.

Should Couples Stay Together for the Kids? (00:13:17)

• Parental conflict negatively impacts children, but divorce may not always be the best solution.
• Co-parenting can be successful if parents prioritize their children's well-being and collaborate effectively.
• Honesty about the nature of the relationship is crucial, but it's important to avoid telling children that one parent doesn't love the other.
• During divorce, parents should focus on their children's well-being, avoid creating loyalty binds, and refrain from alienating the other parent.
• Children rely on adults for emotional cues, and negative gatekeeping, a form of alienation, can be detrimental to their relationship with the other parent.
• When a child's other parent enters a new relationship, the co-parent should be supportive and communicate positively with the child about the new person.
• Prioritizing the children's well-being is essential, as most people love their children more than themselves or their hatred for their ex.
• Unintentional harm to children during divorce can occur when parents mistake their actions for happiness and have the permission of their own conscience.
• Viewing relationships as chapters in a long book allows for acknowledging the love and effort shared during the relationship while moving forward with hope for future love.

Are Prenups Worth it? (00:21:44)

• Prenups effectively protect individuals' assets and finances during a divorce, saving significant money in litigation costs.
• Prenups are not expensive to create and offer protection against limited grounds for being set aside, which good divorce lawyers can control.
• Getting a prenup involves courageous conversations about the future and potential challenges in the marriage, demonstrating commitment and fairness.
• A prenuptial agreement should have clear divisions of assets and liabilities, but it should not be seen as a final solution.
• Regular communication and understanding are essential for a healthy relationship, as love requires ongoing conversations to maintain its strength.
• Couples should openly discuss the value of different roles in a relationship, such as a stay-at-home parent and a breadwinner, to avoid resentment.
• Feminism was not intended to force women into the workforce and prioritize financial gain over devotion to family.

How People Have a More Difficult Divorce Than Needed (00:32:13)

• Mediation is often the best option for couples who can communicate and reach agreements on their own, with the help of a neutral third party (mediator) to resolve issues and reach a binding agreement.
• If mediation is unsuccessful, couples can hire individual attorneys to negotiate on their behalf, and if they cannot reach an agreement, the case will go to court for a final decision by a judge.
• Divorce lawyer James Sexton specializes in high-conflict divorce cases, which can be emotionally and financially draining for all parties involved.
• Sexton compares his role as a divorce lawyer to that of a legal weapon, hired to aggressively represent one spouse against the other, and enjoys the intellectual challenge and strategic nature of litigation.
• Despite his expertise in litigation, Sexton emphasizes the importance of preventing disputes from reaching that stage and encourages couples to seek alternative dispute resolution methods whenever possible.

James’s Most Outrageous Cases (00:39:35)

• Divorce lawyer James Sexton, with 23 years of experience, shares insights on love and marriage based on his professional encounters.
• Sexton emphasizes the shocking brutality and viciousness that people unleash on each other during divorce proceedings.
• Despite the challenges, Sexton maintains positive relationships with his ex-partners and believes in caring for each other even after a relationship ends.
• He highlights the contrast between the charming facade of an abuser and the horrifying reality captured on a doorbell camera, showcasing the duality of human nature.
• Sexton finds solace in a poem by Joseph Brodsky, particularly the line "I wish I knew no astronomy when the stars appear," which symbolizes the beauty of ignorance and the longing for someone lost.

Protecting a Positive View on Romance (00:47:21)

• Despite knowing the scientific explanations behind celestial bodies, the speaker still appreciates the romantic notions associated with them.
• Attending weddings still evokes positive emotions, but the speaker acknowledges that his work as a divorce lawyer has made him more realistic about the challenges of marriage.
• The speaker's gynecologist friend confirms that the romantic aspect of intimacy can change over time due to professional experiences.
• Divorce lawyers, being acutely aware of the difficulties and mistakes in relationships, may have a lower divorce rate.
• The speaker prefers uncomfortable truths over comfortable lies and believes that love is worth pursuing even if it comes with risks and potential heartbreak.
• Unfulfilled love can be considered truly romantic, and both love and heartbreak can lead to great art, insights, and personal growth.
• The speaker values the joy and closeness experienced in relationships, even if they end in pain, and believes that it is better to take risks in love than to live a cautious life without experiencing deep emotions.

Defending Someone You Morally Disagree With (00:50:55)

• Divorce lawyers believe in the legal system and advocate vigorously for all clients, regardless of personal feelings.
• The truth often emerges during trials, despite attempts to present a favorable case.
• Lawyers may focus on the technique and art of trial work, sometimes overlooking the morality of their actions.
• A divorce lawyer shares a personal experience of defending a violent client who was acquitted, feeling guilt and shame for being part of a miscarriage of justice.
• Reading about the case years later and narrating it aloud brought up strong emotions, highlighting the emotional toll of the profession.

The Problems in American Divorce Law (00:56:37)

• The American divorce law system is flawed because it is not gender-blind and is biased against men, particularly heterosexual white men.
• The system favors women in child custody cases, as the financial promises made by men during marriage are legally enforceable, while women's promises of affection and love cannot be enforced by law.
• Blaming the system for not getting custody of children is an oversimplification, and individuals need to take responsibility for their actions and ensure they actively participate in parenting to increase their chances of obtaining custody.
• The effects of institutional racism and sexism have not been completely eliminated in the legal system, particularly in divorce cases, and it takes time to overcome the downstream effects of past discriminatory practices.

Dramatised Court Scenarios Vs Reality (01:03:03)

• James Sexton, a divorce lawyer, shares his observations and experiences representing clients with varying financial backgrounds, including typical people and ultra-high net worth individuals.
• Despite financial differences, people across the board face similar problems in their relationships and marriages.
• Highly successful individuals, like Elon Musk and quant people in finance, struggle with maintaining successful relationships despite their intellectual prowess and financial achievements.
• Sexton emphasizes that success in other areas does not guarantee success in relationships and marriage.
• Sexton stresses the importance of seeking help and guidance in relationships, as many people struggle with relationship issues but pretend not to need help.
• Society often stigmatizes seeking help for relationship skills, leading people to feel ashamed of discussing or improving them.

James’s Issue with the Manosphere (01:08:49)

• James criticizes the manosphere and red pill communities for identifying problems but not offering solutions.
• He believes that men should not give up on relationships because of past heartbreaks or societal challenges.
• James emphasizes the importance of open and honest conversations about relationships among men and women.
• He highlights the discrepancy between women's public displays of independence and their private desires for dominant men.
• James argues that men and women play roles in relationships that hinder authentic connections.
• James suggests that practical advice for staying connected with partners is more valuable than platitudes.
• He criticizes the lack of specific guidance in relationship advice, comparing it to clear instructions for exercise or nutrition.
• James believes that people should be open to receiving practical suggestions for improving their relationships.
• He cautions against cynicism and the belief that the game is rigged, as this prevents personal growth and connection.

Where to Find James (01:13:17)

• James Sexton can be found on Instagram at NYC divorce lawyer.
• His firm's website is NYC divorces.
• His book is available for purchase or on Audible.
• More information about upcoming projects can be found on his website.