Why Is Love So Hard To Find In The Modern World? - Matthew Hussey

Are Dating Coaches Hard to Date? (00:00:00)

• Dating coaches are not always successful in their own dating lives.
• Personal experiences, including challenges and failures in love, can provide valuable insights for giving authentic advice on relationships.
• Making mistakes and gaining personal experience is essential for providing valuable advice on love and relationships.
• Matthew Hussey, a 36-year-old YouTuber, emphasizes authenticity and being true to oneself in both online and real-life interactions.
• Hussey's book, "Get the Guy: Learn the Secrets of the Male Mind to Find the Man You Want and the Love You Deserve," explores patterns and emotional avoidance in relationships, offering insights into human nature and practical advice on navigating love and relationships.

How We Use Dating to Make Us Feel Better (00:06:13)

• Our dating patterns are often a way to avoid feeling our emotions.
• We may rush into relationships or pull away from someone to avoid feeling vulnerable.
• This can lead to heartbreak and hurt other people.
• People who are confused about their feelings can be very damaging to others.
• Therapy can help us to identify and process our feelings.
• Disappointment is a hard emotion to deal with, but it's important to face it rather than focusing on guilt.
• Many people feel like they are not good enough for a happy and stable relationship.

Flipping Between Comforting & Inspiring Relationships (00:10:21)

• People often pursue familiar and comfortable relationships rather than fulfilling ones, confusing intense chemistry and attraction with the importance of a healthy relationship.
• Finding peace in one's love life requires time, self-discovery, and an understanding of what constitutes a healthy relationship.
• Building healthy relationships involves embracing vulnerability and self-regulation, despite the fear of being perceived differently or unattractive.
• Open and honest communication with a partner can overcome fears, foster understanding, and create deeper connections.
• Sharing vulnerabilities can be healing, breaking negative patterns and beliefs.

How We Condition Ourselves to Feel Love & Peace (00:20:03)

• Self-compassion is important because our past conditioning sets the bar for what we believe we deserve.
• Self-improvement and personal growth can offer a false solution to unhappiness by promising future worthiness of love and acceptance but doesn't address underlying issues.
• People often avoid dealing with their emotions by constantly striving for self-improvement, leading to a narrow range of emotions they allow themselves to feel.
• Guilt is a common emotion that people experience, often feeling like they should be doing more or not doing enough.
• The pursuit of constant self-improvement can lead to a sense of internal panic and shame when one feels like they are not making enough progress.
• Love is hard to find in the modern world because people have become more self-absorbed and less compassionate towards themselves and others.
• People need to be more self-compassionate and understanding of their own flaws and shortcomings in order to find love.

Overcoming Imposter Syndrome Through Working Hard (00:30:01)

• External achievements and recognition alone do not guarantee happiness or fulfillment. Many successful and wealthy individuals still struggle with internal issues and unhappiness.
• Focusing solely on career ambitions and success as a measure of compatibility in love can be limiting. Finding a partner with complementary strengths and experiences, such as someone who has done more internal work on finding peace, can be more fulfilling.
• True happiness comes from finding contentment and inner peace, rather than constantly striving for external achievements.
• Love is hard to find in the modern world because people are often stuck in a cycle of negative thinking and self-doubt. To find love, people need to break free from this cycle and focus on self-improvement and personal growth.

Why the Internet Isn’t Talking About Love Anymore (00:36:23)

• Love is often overlooked in discussions of dating and mating dynamics on popular platforms like YouTube, despite people's genuine desire to find meaningful connections.
• The book offers a unique perspective on finding and experiencing love by examining the deeper reasons behind attraction patterns and behaviors in relationships.
• Our experiences are not the only reality, and learning from others' experiences can provide valuable insights into different approaches to life.
• People are drawn to familiar things, even if they are harmful, because comfort is often mistaken for happiness.
• The author's hypervigilance, developed as a coping mechanism in a rough environment, led him to constantly anticipate threats and confrontations, which manifested in his love life as a pattern of dating people who mistreated him.
• Many people are attracted to partners who feel familiar, even if those partners are not loving or good for them, because comfort is often confused with happiness.
• Fear of success and the unfamiliar aspects of healthy love can prevent people from finding fulfilling relationships.
• Embracing and becoming comfortable with the unfamiliar aspects of healthy love is crucial for finding the right kind of love.

Being Comfortable With Healthy Love (00:48:28)

• To find healthy love, it's important to acknowledge and remember the pain experienced in previous unhealthy relationships.
• Identify what was missing or lacking in those relationships that caused misery and insecurity.
• Instead of relying on self-belief, make it a necessity to avoid situations that caused pain in the past.
• Determine the path you want to be on by identifying what was missing in previous relationships and prioritizing those qualities or values in future partners.
• Stay committed to this truth even when it feels uncomfortable.
• Give your nervous system time to adjust, as it may be accustomed to the excitement of unhealthy relationships and may not immediately respond to the peace and happiness of a healthy relationship.
• It's important to be comfortable with the alienness of healthy love, which may feel unfamiliar compared to the intensity of unhealthy relationships.
• Acknowledge the pain caused by previous unhealthy relationships and hold on to that feeling to avoid repeating those experiences.
• Make it a necessity to avoid situations that caused pain in the past, rather than relying on self-belief alone.
• Determine the path you want to be on by identifying what was missing in previous relationships and prioritizing those qualities or values in future partners.
• Stay committed to this truth even when it feels uncomfortable.
• Give your nervous system time to adjust to the different feelings associated with healthy relationships, as it may be accustomed to the excitement of unhealthy relationships.

Feeling Guilty About Having Needs (00:52:28)

• Expressing needs in relationships can be challenging due to the fear of inadequacy or negative consequences.
• Avoidance of relationships may stem from the belief that they restrict personal enjoyment.
• People may create or seek out situations that confirm their fears and insecurities, leading to negative outcomes in their love lives.
• Effective communication and understanding are crucial in addressing hurt or disappointment in relationships.
• The author reflects on a childhood experience where he isolated himself after feeling embarrassed and hurt, missing out on a fun night with friends.
• He draws a parallel between this incident and his adult relationships, particularly a moment of jealousy with his partner Audrey, where he chose anger and defensiveness instead of expressing his feelings.
• The author emphasizes the importance of expressing vulnerability and communicating feelings to maintain healthy relationships and avoid missing out on positive experiences.

How to Become Better at Hard Conversations (01:01:37)

• Effective communication is crucial for healthy relationships, even in difficult conversations.
• Openly expressing feelings and concerns can lead to better understanding and resolution, while addressing inconsistencies in behavior or communication can align expectations and avoid resentment.
• A scarcity mindset can hinder honest conversations, and avoiding difficult conversations can create a false sense of safety and prevent relationships from reaching their full potential.
• People who struggle to find love may have difficulty expressing their needs due to childhood experiences, leading them to attract friends who value them for what they do rather than who they are.
• To find lasting relationships based on genuine connection and acceptance, individuals need to express their needs, set boundaries, and discern which relationships can withstand their authenticity.

The Downsides of Being a Fixer (01:08:35)

• Prioritizing others' needs over assessing their genuine care can lead to delegitimizing their feelings and making them responsible for others' happiness.
• Red flags in relationships include people who can't take responsibility, apologize, or admit their mistakes, as well as those who consistently blame others for failed relationships.
• Not keeping promises breaks trust and leads to micromanagement and hypervigilance.
• Consistency in honoring one's word, both in big and small ways, is crucial for a healthy relationship.
• A fundamental breakdown occurs when someone fails to take accountability, apologize, or acknowledge their mistakes, making it difficult to overcome challenges and achieve happiness.
• Proximity and closeness do not equate to a shared experience or moral and emotional world.
• Great moments in a relationship can be misleading and should not overshadow the importance of consistent effort and shared values.

How to Communicate When You’re in the Wrong (01:18:18)

• Slowing down and communicating feelings, even during defensive or angry moments, can create a different dynamic in relationships.
• Regulating the nervous system through breathing exercises, taking walks, or acknowledging activation can help manage reactions.
• The overly sterile approach to dating and relationships leaves no room for messiness, while the therapeutic relationship is one of the few where messiness is accepted.
• People should not feel pressured to present perfectly formed thoughts, especially when they don't have them.
• Trying to appear composed and sane by sacrificing honesty can be counterproductive and lead to feeling like a crazy person.
• Self-compassion involves recognizing that certain feelings originate from an inner child who feels unsafe rather than a functioning adult.
• Unresolved childhood traumas and insecurities may contribute to the difficulty of finding love in the modern world.
• When triggered, these traumas can cause defensive reactions and lashing out, leading to relationship problems.
• Self-compassion and understanding one's own patterns and insufficiencies are crucial for overcoming these challenges.
• Men, in particular, tend to be harsh on themselves and may avoid acknowledging or dealing with their emotional struggles, which can hinder their ability to form healthy relationships.

Why Men Bottle Up Their Trauma (01:28:07)

• Men often suppress their emotions and avoid addressing personal issues, leading to negative consequences in their lives. The "men's sheds" initiative in Australia provides a safe space for men to gather, engage in practical activities, and receive emotional support.
• Men's reluctance to acknowledge physical or mental health issues can hinder their well-being and prevent them from seeking necessary help.
• Core confidence comes from a diversified identity and not being overly reliant on one aspect of oneself for self-worth. It is not conditional on external factors or achievements and is about recognizing that there is more to oneself than just one's accomplishments or traits.
• Romantic love is based on attraction and chemical rushes but can lead to contempt and dissatisfaction in long-term relationships.
• A better model for self-love is the parent-child relationship, where love is unconditional and based on responsibility and care.
• Self-love doesn't require finding reasons to love ourselves; it's simply because we are our own human and we have a responsibility to care for ourselves.
• Loving yourself is an approach that changes everything. You don't have to like yourself to love yourself. Loving yourself comes first, liking yourself can come later.
• Nurturing and taking care of yourself can lead to developing an affection for yourself. In the beginning, focus on taking care of yourself rather than worrying about the feeling of love.

Working Hard to Rewire Your Thinking (01:48:50)

• We should focus on self-care and compassion rather than comparing ourselves to others and feeling guilty.
• Chronic pain and physical ailments can be debilitating, and our attitude towards ourselves can worsen their impact.
• We deserve compassion and love, just like we would give to others.
• Emotional buttons can help us access positive thoughts and feelings when needed.
• We can create emotional buttons by writing down things that make us feel good about ourselves and reviewing them regularly.
• Matthew Hussey discusses the challenges of finding love in modern times.
• He believes people often find the truth but quickly forget and move on.
• He uses emotional buttons as a guide to help him return to desired emotional states.
• He has emotional buttons for various emotions, including excitement, training, and peace.
• He considers emotional buttons to be valuable daily tools in his life.

Where to Find Matthew (01:55:34)

• Matthew Hussey's book, "Love Life: How to Raise Your Standards, Find Your Person, and Live Happily No Matter What," is available on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and other retailers.
• Readers can enter their book order confirmation on lovelifebook.com for a ticket to a virtual event on May 4th, where Matthew will coach attendees on applying the book's principles to their lives.
• The book transcends the genre of dating advice and is a personal development book that can benefit anyone, regardless of their relationship status.
• Matthew expresses his gratitude to Chris for his work and for sharing his personal experiences and struggles.
• He believes that Chris's openness and vulnerability make him more relatable and likable to his audience.
• Matthew encourages Chris to continue sharing his personal journey, as it is valuable and beneficial to others.