How to speak more confidently and persuasively | Matt Abrahams (professor, speaker, author)

Matt’s background (00:00:00)

• Visualization is a useful technique to desensitize people to public speaking.
• Most public speaking is spontaneous, so it's important to prepare to be spontaneous.
• Techniques like striving for connection over perfection and daring to be D (just answer the question, give feedback, be engaged in small talk) can help reduce anxiety.
• Visualization: Imagine yourself giving a successful speech, from walking on stage to answering questions.
• Strive for connection over perfection: Focus on connecting with your audience rather than being perfect.
• Daring to be D: Just answer the question, give feedback, and engage in small talk to reduce self-evaluation.
• Public speaking is a valuable skill for career success, from interviews to leading teams.
• The skill becomes even more important as you grow in your career.
• With practice and the right techniques, anyone can become a better communicator.

Techniques for managing anxiety in public speaking (00:04:50)

• Visualization is a powerful technique to reduce anxiety by imagining yourself in a speaking environment and receiving a positive response from the audience.
• This mental rehearsal, often used by athletes, desensitizes you to the actual speaking situation and helps create a sense of familiarity and agency.
• Visualization techniques can be used to simulate different audience scenarios and prepare for various situations, leading to more confident and persuasive speaking.
• To maximize the effectiveness of visualization, it's important to remain calm during exercises to prevent the body from connecting to stress and anxiety.

Dare to be dull (00:10:57)

• Dare to be dull: focus on connecting with your audience rather than striving for perfection.
• By reducing self-evaluation, you free up mental resources to improve your communication.
• When you lower your expectations and just focus on getting the task done, you often end up doing a better job.
• Anxiety can hinder effective communication, so reducing it can lead to more insightful and interesting contributions.
• This approach can also be applied to preparing talks: start with something good enough and let the editing process lead to something great.

Reframing anxiety as excitement (00:13:40)

• Anxiety and excitement trigger the same physical response in the body (increased heart rate, shallow breathing, shakiness).
• How we label these symptoms determines whether we perceive them as negative (anxiety) or positive (excitement).
• By reframing anxiety as excitement, we can reduce pressure and improve our communication skills.
• Remind yourself of the exciting aspects of your communication opportunities and lean into those.
• When you feel anxiety symptoms, tell yourself that you are excited about sharing your information.
• Practice relaxation techniques, such as deep breathing and meditation, to manage anxiety.
• Visualize yourself giving a successful presentation or speech.
• Focus on your message and the value you are providing to your audience, rather than on your own fears.
• Be prepared and well-rehearsed.
• Use positive self-talk and affirmations to boost your confidence.

Using mantras to boost confidence (00:16:08)

• Use mantras to change negative self-talk and boost confidence.
• Examples of mantras: "I have value to add", "I'm prepared", "I know my stuff".
• Write the mantra on a Post-It note or set a reminder on your phone to review it before a presentation or meeting.
• Other mantras that people find helpful: "Last time this went well", "It's not about me, it's about my content".

Managing negative self-talk (00:18:45)

• Name your inner critic and have conversations with it.
• This can help rationalize negative thoughts and reduce their impact.
• Many people experience anxiety and nervousness when communicating, it's not just you.
• Seeing others communicate effortlessly often doesn't reflect the amount of work they put in.

Normalizing speaking anxiety (00:20:03)

• Anxiety is a normal condition when communicating in front of others.
• Just knowing that many people experience speaking anxiety can help reduce pressure.
• Many people, even skilled speakers, experience nervousness when speaking.
• Talking about and sharing experiences with speaking anxiety can help reduce its impact.
• Speaking anxiety is not binary (either have it or don't), it's a process that can be managed over time.
• Set up communication situations as conversations, even if it's just with yourself.
• Reframe anxiety as excitement.
• Practice having conversations with yourself, asking and answering questions.
• Use techniques that make you feel more comfortable, such as having a conversation with yourself.

Using conversation as a communication technique (00:23:12)

• Distract the audience to reduce nervousness.
• Ask questions, tell stories, show videos, or ask the audience to read something.
• Techniques help divert attention away from the speaker momentarily.
• Most people are most nervous just before and during the first minute of speaking.
• Finding ways to get through the initial nervousness makes speaking easier.

Using the double-exhale breathing technique (00:24:52)

• Slows down the heart rate.
• Makes the voice sound more normal.
• Reduces shakiness.
• The exhale should be longer than the inhale (2:1 ratio).
• Helps with relaxation and focus.
• Double-exhale breathing: Inhale fully, then exhale twice as long.
• Box breathing: Inhale for 4 seconds, hold for 4 seconds, exhale for 8 seconds.
• Huberman's technique: Inhale fully, then inhale a little more to fill capillaries in the lungs.
• 4-4-8 breathing: Inhale for 4 seconds, hold for 4 seconds, exhale for 8 seconds.

Getting present-oriented (00:28:29)

• One technique to calm anxiety is to focus on the present moment.
• Anxiety often stems from the fear of a negative future outcome.
• Saying tongue twisters can help bring focus to the present moment.
• Tongue twisters require concentration on the present moment to be said correctly.
• Saying tongue twisters aloud also serves as a vocal warm-up.
• Many nervous speakers neglect to warm up their voices before speaking.
• Tongue twisters can help center and warm up the speaker.

Using tongue twisters (00:29:46)

• Tongue twisters help improve focus and reduce anxiety.
• Swearing can also reduce anxiety and has an analgesic effect.
• Tongue twisters and swearing can be combined for better results.
• Matt Abrahams uses Koda to plan and manage his podcast episodes.
• Koda is an all-in-one platform that combines documents, spreadsheets, and apps.
• Koda offers extensive planning capabilities, including setting and measuring OKRs, mapping dependencies, and identifying risk areas.
• Koda provides hundreds of pre-tested templates for various planning purposes.
• Startups can sign up for Koda and get $1,000 in credit by visiting coda.io/Lenny.

Broad advice for speaking on the spot (00:33:34)

• Preparation and practice are essential for improving spontaneous speaking skills.
• Mindset and approach play a crucial role in effective spontaneous speaking.
• Crafting structured and focused messages enhances spontaneous speaking abilities.
• Using a problem-solution-benefit structure organizes thoughts and reduces anxiety during impromptu speaking.
• Our brains respond better to stories and logical connections than lists of information.
• Apologies and feedback can be challenging, but specific structures offer guidance and a starting point.

The PREP structure (00:38:35)

• Make your point.
• Give a reason for making that point.
• Give an example.
• Restate your point.

The What? So What? Now What? structure (00:38:59)

• What is your product, service, offering, update, or feedback?
• Why is this important and relevant to your audience?
• What comes next?
• Give each structure a catchy name.
• Use them regularly.
• Dissect communication by identifying the structure used by others.
• Practice using the structures.
• Reflect on what worked and what didn't.
• Get feedback from others.

Toastmasters and improv (00:42:10)

• Toastmasters is a great organization for practicing public speaking and getting comfortable with speaking in front of others.
• Improvisation classes can help people become more comfortable with being present and collaborating with others.
• Stanford and other institutions offer continuing studies or extension classes that are open to the community, which can be a great way to learn more about public speaking without being an enrolled student.
• Podcasts, books, blogs, and videos can be helpful resources for learning about public speaking, but it's important to practice what you learn in order to improve.
• The author's book includes "try this" sections that encourage readers to practice what they've learned.
• Toastmasters has a special focus on impromptu speaking through its "table topics" segment, where members are given a topic and have to speak about it for a short period of time.
• Toastmasters and improv classes are great for easing people into public speaking, as they don't force anyone to do anything they're not comfortable with.
• Many companies sponsor their own Toastmasters groups, making it easy for employees to participate.

Getting better at small talk (00:45:31)

• Small talk is important for self-discovery, understanding others, and building relationships.
• Effective small talk involves being interested in others rather than trying to be interesting oneself.
• Balanced self-disclosure is crucial, avoiding excessive sharing too soon.
• Conversations should primarily consist of supporting responses, with occasional shifting responses to avoid disinterest.
• Practice and attention can enhance small talk skills.
• Using a person's name and smiling positively impacts conversations.
• Authenticity is preferred over manipulation and inauthenticity in communication.
• Some principles from the mentioned book can be beneficial when applied authentically and appropriately.
• Excessive application of the book's techniques can lead to negative experiences, as illustrated by an anecdote.

The importance of sharing back (00:51:05)

• When having a conversation, it's important to share back and not just ask questions.
• Sharing about yourself makes the conversation more balanced and interesting.
• Sharing personal experiences can make the conversation flow better.
• Sharing personal experiences can encourage the other person to share more.

Giving feedback (00:52:33)

• Feedback is an opportunity to problem solve and collaborate with others.
• Kim Scott's approach to feedback involves using a structure to package information and make it easier to digest.
• The "what, so what, now what" structure helps to quickly structure information and package it in a way that is easy to understand.
• The "four eyes" structure (information, impact, invitation, implications) provides a more robust framework for giving feedback.
• It is important to find one or two feedback structures that work for you and to default to them when put on the spot.

Improving toasts and tributes (00:56:31)

• To give a memorable toast, use the acronym "WHA":
  • State the purpose of the event.
  • Share your connection to the event or person.
  • Tell a relevant and accessible story.
  • Express thanks or appreciation.
• Keep toasts brief and avoid going on for too long.
• Consider using multiple anecdotes or points in a toast, but test it out with others to ensure it's not too long.
• Be genuine and authentic when expressing emotion in your toast.
• Emotion is a powerful tool in communication, but it can also be overwhelming.
• The best way to convey emotion in a speech or toast is through anecdotes and stories.
• Matthew Dicks, a one-panel cartoonist, advises people to "don't tell, show" when expressing emotions.
• Dicks helps people create their eulogies ahead of time, before emotions become overwhelming.

Mastering Q&A sessions (01:02:57)

• Approach Q&A as an opportunity to extend, expand, connect, and learn.
• Avoid saying "good question" to every question as it can be seen as a way to buy time.
• Instead of saying "does that make sense?" at the end of your answer, ask "did I answer your question?" or "do you have a follow-up question?"
• Use the ADD structure to answer questions:
  • Answer the question cleanly and concisely.
  • Give an example to reinforce the answer.
  • Explain the relevance or significance of the answer so people know why it matters.
• Answer the question cleanly and concisely.
• Give a detailed example to reinforce the answer.
• Describe the relevance or significance of the answer so people know why it matters.

Apologizing effectively (01:07:25)

• Take the time to apologize.
• Apologize for the transgression, not for how you made people feel.
• Acknowledge the issue or problem you caused.
• Express appreciation for the difficulty you might have caused.
• Make amends and be specific about what you will do to remedy the situation.

Closing thoughts (01:09:29)

• Communication can be improved with initiative, grace, and self-compassion.
• Improving communication helps you and others.
• Find Matt Abrahams' resources at mattabrams.com, his podcast "Think Fast, Talk Smart," and his book "Think Faster, Talk Smarter."
• Connect with Matt on LinkedIn to share stories and collaborate.