Dr K: “We’ve Produced Millions Of Lonely, Addicted Males!”, There Is A Crisis Going On With Men!

Dr K: “We’ve Produced Millions Of Lonely, Addicted Males!”, There Is A Crisis Going On With Men!

Intro (00:00:00)

  • 50% of men who commit suicide have no history of mental illness.
  • Men are struggling because society tells them they are toxic and privileged.
  • Toxic masculine people offer a way to make men's lives better, leading to addiction.
  • Addiction is using substances or technology to cope with pain.
  • Loneliness is getting worse, especially among young women.

Achieve Whatever You Want (00:02:43)

  • The podcast aims to help people realize they are the instruments of their own lives.
  • Understanding the body and mind can help people accomplish whatever they want.

External Success Won't Fix You Inside (00:03:16)

  • People often assume that external things, such as promotions, relationships, or money, will fix their internal problems.
  • The author used to believe this and struggled as a result.
  • He realized that his problems came from within himself and that he was blaming external circumstances instead of taking responsibility.

This Won't Lead To Happiness (00:04:49)

  • Failure can be a positive thing as it can lead to self-discovery and growth.
  • The author went to India and stayed in a monastery for 3 months, which changed his perspective on life.
  • He realized that external accomplishments do not bring lasting happiness.
  • Chasing after external goals will never lead to lasting happiness.
  • The author gave up his desires for accomplishment and became more successful as a result.
  • He focused on small targets and his spiritual practice instead of trying to be something great.

I Had A Gaming Addiction (00:07:25)

  • The speaker struggled with video game addiction from a young age.
  • In high school, his addiction severely impacted his grades.
  • He would prioritize gaming over important commitments like exams, leading to failure.
  • Despite wanting to change, he felt he had no control over his actions and was unable to break the addiction.
  • He experienced depression, brief periods of suicidality, and would often play games until exhaustion to avoid confronting negative thoughts.

How To Identify Real Needs From Desires? (00:09:20)

  • Dr. K specialized in psychiatry because he was fascinated by the mind and internal sense of self.
  • He realized that psychiatry is the only field of medicine where outcomes are getting worse, with increasing rates of addiction, depression, and suicidality.
  • Despite advances in neuroscience, mental health is declining, suggesting that something has been missed in our understanding of the mind.
  • Dr. K felt a duty to use his knowledge and training to help those who are struggling, particularly marginalized individuals such as incels, rather than focusing solely on successful individuals.

What Sort Of People Have You Worked With? (00:12:45)

  • Dr. K worked with a wide range of individuals in his private practice, including high-profile individuals such as CEOs and entrepreneurs, as well as individuals facing significant challenges, such as incels, homeless individuals, and those struggling with addiction.

What Does It Mean To Be A Man? (00:13:25)

  • The increasing number of lonely and addicted men is a long-standing crisis that is gaining attention due to its worsening state.
  • Technology's constant distractions hinder self-awareness and the development of a strong sense of self, leading men to seek external validation and mixed signals about masculinity.
  • Society's conflicting messages about masculinity create uncertainty and a sense of inadequacy, discouraging men from expressing their suffering due to societal expectations.
  • The suppression of emotional expression can have negative psychological impacts, similar to those experienced by children in abusive households.
  • The primary factor correlating with male suicide is a sense of thwarted belongingness, resulting from repeated rejections of attempts to connect with others.

What Is The Remedy For Men’s Mental Health & Suicide Issues? (00:21:04)

  • Men need to reconnect with themselves and stop seeking external validation from social media and influencers.
  • Men are allowed to cry, but not to express anger, which is the only emotion they are socialized to feel.
  • This leads to men suppressing all other emotions and expressing only anger, which can turn into misogyny and other toxic behaviors.
  • Men who express toxic emotions are often doing so because of their upbringing and the world they live in, not because they are inherently bad people.

Men Get Upset Based On Their Insecurities (00:24:57)

  • Anger is often a manifestation of insecurity in men.
  • Anger is an evolutionary response to protect territory and oneself.
  • Insecure men tend to express their problems through anger rather than seeking peaceful resolutions or complaining.

Men Need Self-Expression (00:27:22)

  • Men need more self-expression and introspection to understand themselves better.
  • Most of our ideas about masculinity come from external sources, not from within ourselves.
  • The goodness in life comes from within ourselves, not from what others tell us.
  • We live in a world that distracts us from focusing on ourselves.

What Are Your Thoughts On Andrew Tate? (00:28:20)

  • Dr. K does not comment on people he has not spoken to.
  • There is a recent wave of masculine influencers who promote toxic masculinity, such as having lots of money, women, sports cars, and physical strength.
  • Demonizing these influencers has only made them stronger.
  • Men who express their suffering are often told to shut up, which drives them towards toxic masculinity.
  • Toxic masculine influencers are the only ones who truly validate men's experiences, while the rest of the world dismisses them.
  • Dr. K has seen patients whose pain was ignored, leading to negative consequences.
  • Men are struggling, and toxic masculinity is gaining traction because it offers them validation and a sense of belonging.
  • Instead of trying to stop men from following toxic masculinity, it is important to understand why they are drawn to it and listen to their experiences.

How To Stop People From Following Toxic Masculinity? (00:32:08)

  • Toxic masculinity is a result of trauma and lack of love and compassion during upbringing.
  • People who are raised with love and compassion are less likely to exhibit toxic masculinity.
  • Offering safe havens and support to those exhibiting toxic masculinity can help them heal and change their behavior.
  • Demonizing and judging people with toxic masculinity is not an effective solution.
  • Dr. K has worked with incels and people exhibiting toxic masculinity and found that they all have experienced trauma.
  • People who exhibit toxic masculinity are often victims of trauma and disadvantage.
  • Dr. K believes that compassion and support are more effective in addressing toxic masculinity than judgment and punishment.

Do Men Need More Positive Role Models? (00:36:01)

  • There is a loneliness crisis among men.
  • Men are taught to be independent and fix everything on their own.
  • Men have fixed all the things they can fix on their own, but the remaining problems require reliance on others.
  • Men need connection with others, but no one is willing to take responsibility for connecting with them.
  • Introspection can help men attain complete peace, but mentorship and role models are also important.
  • Individuals need to take responsibility for connecting with men in crisis, rather than relying on society to fix the problem.

Why Are Women's Suicide Rates Increasing? (00:38:59)

  • Women's suicide rates are increasing, particularly among young women.
  • Men and women are becoming more equal in terms of health issues, with women experiencing issues that were predominantly male and vice versa.
  • Social media is a contributing factor to the increase in suicide rates among young women.
  • The fundamental roles of men and women in society are becoming closer, leading to challenges such as difficulties in dating and the negative impact of technology.
  • Men and women are struggling for different reasons, and biases exist against both genders in psychiatry.
  • It is a mistake to think that bias against one gender precludes bias against the other, as both groups can suffer simultaneously.

The Role Of Social Media In Our Mental Health (00:41:11)

  • Social media and technology can negatively impact mental health by inducing body dysmorphia, insecurity, and the fear of missing out (FOMO).
  • Social media amplifies the ego and promotes comparison, leading to negative self-perception.
  • Meditative practices can help dissolve the ego and reduce the negative effects of social media.
  • The increasing focus on digital worlds raises concerns about losing sight of real-world connections and relationships.
  • Declining rates of sex, marriage difficulties, and overall pessimistic trends in relationships are observed in society.
  • Despite technology's advancements, humans lack the skills to control it effectively.
  • Traditional human relationships were formed out of necessity for survival, but in the modern world, this necessity has diminished, leading to the decay of relationships.
  • The human mind requires social interaction for mental health, so society needs to evolve and prioritize relationships even though they are no longer necessary for survival.
  • Learning skills like meditation and yoga can help resist the negative influences of technology.

Should Yoga Be Taught At School? (00:47:53)

  • Teaching yoga in schools can be beneficial as children are more receptive to learning new skills.
  • Meditation involves controlling the attention of the mind and can be taught through fun games and practices.
  • The first step of meditation is to ignore impulses and resist distractions.
  • A simple practice like trataka (fixed point gazing) can help strengthen self-control and resist impulses.
  • The second step is to focus the mind on one thing, which can be achieved through practices like chanting and maximizing the feeling of vibration in the body.

What Is Meditation And The Biggest Misunderstanding? (00:51:44)

  • Meditation is a focusing technique (dhana) followed by a state of consciousness (dianan) and then a transcendental state (samadi).
  • Dhana is something you do, like gazing at a candle flame without blinking.
  • Dianan is a state of mind, like sleep, where you are aware but have no thoughts or emotions.
  • Samadi is a transcendental state of meditation where you start to get transformed.

The Important Impact Of Meditation On Our Lives? (00:54:53)

  • Meditation has completely changed Dr. K's life.
  • It taught him how to control his life and understand how his body and mind work.
  • Meditation helped him conquer his desires, understand his ego, and become successful.

What Stops People From Meditating? (00:56:06)

  • There are 112 different meditation techniques, and each person needs to find the one that works best for them.
  • Meditation can be beneficial, but it's important to find the right meditation technique that suits your individual cognitive fingerprint.
  • Different people have different preferences for exercise, so it's important to find an activity that you enjoy and find fun.
  • Many meditation teachers only know one tradition and may not be able to provide the right guidance for all students.
  • It's important for meditation teachers to recognize when a student may be better suited for a different meditation app or technique.

How Does Meditation Help With Addiction? (01:01:06)

  • Meditation helps conquer various addictions, including social media, porn, and gaming.
  • Addiction involves a source of pleasure and an antidote to pain.
  • Addictions release dopamine and suppress negative emotional circuitry.
  • Meditation strengthens the frontal lobes, which helps resist addictive impulses.
  • Meditation teaches individuals to resist wants and accept pain, making life easier.
  • Meditation is effective in treating various addictions, including heroin, Fentanyl, and video games.

Our Biggest Addiction Is Success (01:04:00)

  • Phone addiction is prevalent but often overlooked.
  • Success is the biggest addiction, used as an antidote to pain and a source of pleasure.
  • Purpose, ambition, and something to strive for are not the same.
  • Meaninglessness in life correlates with pornography addiction.
  • Pornography addiction is linked to emotional distress and negative emotions.

Dissatisfaction Leads To Watching Pornography (01:07:09)

  • Pornography shuts off negative emotions, not just provides pleasure.
  • Stress and negative emotions increase the likelihood of masturbation and pornography use.
  • People with pornography addiction may have pornography open while working.

How To Help People With Addiction? (01:07:41)

  • Pornography addiction is often used to cope with stress and negative emotions.
  • To help people with addiction, teach them alternative emotional regulation skills and metabolize the source of their negative emotions.

Does Addiction Create Shame? (01:08:43)

  • People with pornography addiction often have unmetabolized emotions or a constant stream of negative emotions.
  • Addiction creates shame, which can lead to a downward spiral of increased pornography use.
  • To break the cycle, talk about the shame, vent negative emotions, and metabolize the source of trauma.

Case Study: How Any Transformation Is Possible? (01:10:20)

  • A person who started using opiates in their teenage years went back to school at age 32, became a best-selling author by age 36, and developed a successful career.

Having The First Conversation With An Addict (01:11:09)

  • The first conversation with an addict should be open and non-judgmental.
  • Addiction cannot be cured for someone else; the person has to want to stop.
  • Approaching someone with compassion and understanding can help them realize the problem and consider making a change.

Do We Need To Hit Rock Bottom To Realise How Bad It Is? (01:12:41)

  • There is no such thing as a true rock bottom; one can always go lower.
  • People's lowest point is when they decide to turn around and make a change.

Don't Protect People; Let Them Accept Their Responsibilities. (01:13:42)

  • We should not intervene and create change for people who are self-sabotaging.
  • By doing everything for someone, we engender helplessness in them.
  • If we love someone with an addiction, we may want to protect them from the consequences, but this actually enables their addiction.
  • The more we do for someone, the less they will do for themselves.
  • We should let people ask for help and take responsibility for their own actions.
  • People who have skin in the game are more likely to follow through with their commitments.
  • We should start by understanding the person and their ambivalence about change.
  • When we see a flash of someone wanting to get better, we should not immediately jump in and try to help them. This can create resistance.

Motivational Interviewing (01:17:43)

  • Motivational interviewing is a technique used to deal with ambivalence or internal conflict.
  • When someone is ambivalent, pushing them in one direction will cause them to move in the opposite direction.
  • Instead, let them take the lead and support them when they move in the right direction.
  • The less a therapist does for their patients, the better the patients end up doing.

The 25% Rule To Achieve Your Goals (01:18:37)

  • The 25% rule suggests breaking down large goals into smaller, more manageable steps to increase motivation and reduce the feeling of failure.
  • Focusing on daily tasks and progress, rather than solely on long-term goals, can lead to greater accomplishment.
  • Setting overly ambitious goals can hinder motivation as the brain perceives the progress as insufficient.
  • Setting smaller, achievable goals allows for a clearer understanding of the daily actions needed to reach the ultimate objective.

Last Guest Question (01:22:57)

  • Dr. K, a renowned speaker and author, expresses a desire to write a concise book summarizing his teachings if he could only write one more book.
  • Despite sharing his knowledge with the world, he regrets not passing it on to his children.
  • Dr. K plans to write 20 sutras covering topics such as the ego, introspection, the realization that experiences are colored by the mind, and the pursuit of external things for happiness.
  • He emphasizes the importance of introspection and understanding the ego, as well as the concepts of glisha and vasana, which relate to the mind's interpretations and the origin of desires.
  • Dr. K expresses love for his children and a wish for more time with them, while also believing in the possibility of past lives and sharing personal experiences gained through meditation.
  • Dr. K discusses the pain and trauma of losing a child, drawing from personal experiences and emphasizing the emotional impact.
  • Epigenetic studies suggest that humans inherit memories, raising questions about the nature of self and the distinction between personal and inherited memories.
  • Dr. K's girlfriend shares her experiences of accessing past-life traumas through meditation and breath work, highlighting the potential for exploring past lives.
  • Dr. K's book, "How to Raise a Healthy Gamer," goes beyond gaming to address broader topics such as addiction, mental health, and relationships with technology and others.
  • Dr. K is praised for his ability to simplify complex topics and deliver science-based advice in an engaging manner, making him an effective communicator.
  • Dr. K highlights a concerning crisis affecting men, resulting in widespread loneliness and addiction, and emphasizes the importance of addressing this crisis and taking action to support men's well-being.

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