No.1 Couples Therapist: This Statistically Is The Best Age To Get Married So You Don't Get A Divorce

No.1 Couples Therapist: This Statistically Is The Best Age To Get Married So You Don't Get A Divorce
  • Studies show that getting married after 30 increases the chance of divorce by 5% for each additional year of age.
  • People often have unrealistic expectations for their partners, such as expecting them to be their best friend, have the same interests, and "rock their world."
  • Focusing on the most important factors for a lasting relationship, such as compatibility, emotional connection, and shared values, is crucial.
  • Emotional connection is a key predictor of a relationship's longevity.
  • Therapy can be beneficial in navigating heartbreak and emotional challenges.
  • The speaker expresses gratitude for reaching five million subscribers on YouTube.
  • A surprise is in the works for subscribers in 2024, involving changes in production, guest selection, and storytelling.

How to Live the Life You Want (00:02:42)

  • Lori helps people identify obstacles preventing them from living their desired lives.
  • She focuses on various relationships, including self, friends, romantic partners, family, and professional colleagues.
  • People often seek change by attempting to change others rather than examining their own actions and choices.
  • Self-awareness is crucial in understanding what brings one closer to their goals and what hinders them.

Lack of Human Connections Leads to Relationship Pressure (00:05:40)

  • Many people lack close connections and confidants, leading to increased pressure on romantic partners to fulfill multiple emotional needs.
  • Younger generations, in particular, face this issue due to the decline of community support.
  • The expectation that a single partner should meet all emotional needs can strain relationships.
  • The belief that something is wrong with a relationship if all needs are not met is common, leading to unrealistic expectations and potential relationship dissatisfaction.

Why the Majority Aren't Satisfied with Their Relationships (00:06:55)

  • Lack of emotional nourishment from the larger community due to reduced extended family support and frequent relocation.
  • Desire to be truly known and understood by others, leading to a yearning for deeper connections.
  • Increased mobility reduces the chances of having a shared history and experiences with others.

The Need to Be Understood (00:08:35)

  • Being understood reduces loneliness and makes individuals feel psychologically safer.
  • Many people feel alone in their struggles, despite the prevalence of similar experiences shared by others.
  • Men tend to be more secretive about their personal struggles compared to women.
  • Women are more likely to discuss personal matters with friends and family, while men often keep their concerns private.
  • Men may experience particular loneliness due to cultural barriers that limit their opportunities for emotional connection.
  • Women sometimes expect men to be emotionally expressive like women, leading to misunderstandings and conflicts.

Why Men Struggle More Opening Up in the Relationship (00:10:21)

  • Women often desire vulnerability in their partners, but cultural programming may make them feel unsafe when men open up.
  • Men may be less inclined to open up due to societal expectations of masculinity and the lack of a safe space.
  • People tend to have unrealistic expectations when choosing a partner, such as wanting someone who possesses contradictory qualities.
  • The book "Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough" suggests focusing on qualities that truly matter in a relationship rather than superficial traits.
  • Research from various fields suggests that flexibility, emotional generosity, and emotional maturity are key factors in a happy and lasting relationship.
  • People should prioritize character qualities such as loyalty, reliability, and emotional stability when choosing a partner.

Setting Unreal Expectations When Looking for a Partner (00:17:08)

  • 80% of women want to date a man over 6 feet tall, while only 15% of men are over 6 feet tall.
  • 40% of single people have deal breakers associated with physical appearance.
  • 50% of singles expect their partner to be their best friend, soulmate, and fulfill all their emotional needs.
  • People tend to choose partners who are not the most attractive person they've ever dated, but they are more attractive to their partner holistically.
  • It's important to consider practical factors such as shared values, life goals, and political beliefs when choosing a partner.

We're Too Picky on Dating Apps (00:20:14)

  • People often have unrealistic expectations when dating, focusing on superficial factors like chemistry and butterflies rather than getting to know the person.
  • Studies show that couples who are happily married often revise their history and remember feeling immediate chemistry on their first date, even though their initial reports indicated otherwise.
  • People who end up getting divorced often claim they were never attracted to their partner or saw red flags from the beginning, but their initial reports contradict this.
  • The illusion of having many options through dating apps leads people to constantly juggle multiple potential partners, preventing them from truly getting to know anyone.
  • When choosing a potential partner for a first date, it's important to consider if they align with your long-term goals and values.
  • The decision to go on a second date should be based on whether you enjoyed spending time with the person, rather than expecting a life-changing experience.

High Expectations, Can They Be Lowered? (00:25:33)

  • Men tend to have high expectations for physical appearance, influenced by social media's portrayal of unrealistic beauty standards.
  • Women's expectations are often confused with feminism, leading to unrealistic criteria for potential partners.
  • Barry Schwarz's study on maximizers and satisficers applies to dating:
    • Maximizers have difficulty choosing among many options and experience anxiety and regret after making a decision.
    • Satisficers are content with finding something that meets their high standards without constantly seeking a better option.
  • In dating, it's better to be a satisficer with high standards rather than a maximizer who is always looking for something better.

Gender Differences in Dating (00:29:40)

  • People tend to seek out familiar experiences in relationships, even if those experiences were negative in the past, such as replicating childhood experiences.
  • Therapy can help individuals understand why they are having difficulty finding or maintaining a fulfilling relationship.
  • Finding a good partner and maintaining a healthy relationship is crucial for overall well-being.
  • According to statistics, the best age to get married to reduce the likelihood of divorce is between 28 and 32, as it allows individuals sufficient time for personal growth, career establishment, and emotional maturity, leading to more stable and successful marriages.

The Type of People That Seek Bad Partners (00:34:18)

  • People who repeatedly choose partners who hurt them or are not interested in them may have a backstory of feeling unlovable and terrified of intimacy.
  • They may engage in one-night stands as a way to avoid feeling attached or vulnerable.
  • They fear being rejected and confirmed as unlovable, so they avoid situations where they might get attached.

How to Help Those People (00:35:45)

  • To help someone in this situation, start by addressing their lovability and the fear of feeling attached.
  • Encourage them to focus on their own interests and choosing partners based on mutual attraction rather than seeking validation.
  • Help them realize that their worth is not determined by whether someone reciprocates their feelings.
  • Work on their self-worth and the narratives they have about themselves, which may have been shaped by past experiences or messages from others.

Financial Differences in Dating (00:37:23)

  • A study showed that 71% of people believe a man's ability to financially support a family is crucial for being a good husband or partner, while only 32% believe the same about women.
  • Despite women earning more money and getting higher degrees than men, the expectation that men should be the primary providers persists.
  • Many successful women over 30 struggle in dating because men often feel emasculated by their success.
  • High-achieving women often face challenges in finding suitable partners, as many high-achieving men may not prioritize nurturing or spending quality time in a relationship.
  • When both partners are extremely focused on their careers, it can strain the relationship if they expect the other person to support their career while neglecting their own.

People Are Choosing Not to Have Kids and Get Married (00:43:27)

  • Women's increased educational attainment and comparable salaries to men have raised expectations for men as partners.
  • The changing dynamics may result in more women struggling to find suitable partners and men feeling inadequate.
  • People are delaying marriage and having fewer children, leading to concerns about the future of partnerships.
  • Equality in marriage does not imply identical responsibilities but rather the absence of power imbalances.
  • Financial disparities, such as women earning more than their male partners, can cause resentment and conflict in relationships.
  • Men are experiencing confusion about their societal roles, contributing to mental health issues and higher suicide rates among men under 45.
  • While traditional gender roles were clearer, they perpetuated unhealthy power dynamics for both men and women.
  • Modern men seek more balanced partnerships, which can present challenges and conflicts in relationships.

What Happens When a Woman Earns More in the Relationship (00:49:36)

  • There is confusion about gender roles in relationships, especially when women earn more than men.
  • Some men feel pressure to pay on dates, while others worry that doing so might be seen as offensive.
  • It is important to have open conversations with your partner about what gender roles mean to each of you.
  • Different people have different interpretations of gender roles, so it is essential to understand what they mean to your partner.
  • Lack of communication about gender roles can lead to confusion and misunderstandings in relationships.

The Big Debate on a First Date (00:51:42)

  • Paying for dates is often seen as a way of signaling interest and valuing someone's time.
  • For many women, feeling safe and valued on a first date is important, and a man not paying can be seen as a sign of disinterest or lack of safety.
  • There is a primal need for safety that is gender-based, and women may feel unsafe if a man does not pay on a first date.
  • Not paying for a date can be seen as an insult and may negatively impact the chances of a second date.
  • A therapist agreed with a woman's decision not to go on a second date with a man because he expected her to pay for the coffee, stating that it revealed a lack of awareness and consideration on the man's part.

Red Flags in First Dates (00:57:09)

  • Overlooking red flags in the beginning of a relationship can lead to problems later on.
  • Some examples of red flags include:
    • A person being consistently late.
    • A person disappearing for a few days without explanation.
  • It is important to discuss potential issues early on in a relationship to see if there is room for change.
  • The optimal age to get married is between 25 and 30 years old.
  • Getting married too young (under 22 or 23) or too old (over 28) increases the likelihood of divorce.
  • This information is based on a study that found that people over the age of 30 are getting married in higher numbers than ever before, but that there is a sweet spot for marriage between 25 and 30 years old.

The Age You Marry Is Linked to Divorce Risk (01:00:27)

  • Marrying at 25 is over 50% less likely to end in divorce than marrying at 20.
  • Each additional year of age between 25 and 32 reduces the odds of divorce by 11%.
  • After 32 years old, every year increases the chance of divorce by 5%.
  • Lack of skills and maturity to sustain a long-term relationship.
  • Insufficient self-awareness and understanding of what one truly wants in life.
  • Differences in life goals and expectations between partners as they grow and change.
  • Mid to late 20s is considered an optimal time for marriage.
  • Individuals have a better sense of who they are and what they want.
  • Shared experiences, knowledge of each other's families, and integration into each other's lives contribute to a stronger foundation for marriage.
  • Increased rigidity and less open-mindedness as people age.
  • Negative experiences from past relationships can impact current relationships.
  • Accumulation of emotional baggage from multiple dating experiences.
  • Difficulty in finding a compatible partner due to personal issues or unhealthy relationship patterns.

You Need to Learn to Unknow Yourself (01:04:08)

  • Learning about yourself involves unlearning faulty narratives and stories you've carried since childhood.
  • These narratives may have originated from experiences like bullying or being misunderstood.
  • Unknowing involves challenging and questioning these limiting beliefs to discover your true potential.
  • The speaker uses writing and narrative techniques in therapy to help clients edit their life stories.
  • By examining the protagonist's journey, supporting characters, and plot development, clients gain insights into their lives.
  • Unknowing allows individuals to rewrite their stories, recognizing their strengths and potential for growth.

The Impact of Seeking Approval (01:06:11)

  • People often equate their self-worth with their productivity and work success, neglecting other important aspects of life like relationships.
  • Defense mechanisms can arise when people channel unhealthy emotions into seemingly healthy outlets, such as anger into boxing or low self-worth into excessive work.
  • To improve self-worth, it's crucial to recognize and appreciate personal qualities and strengths unrelated to work.
  • Separating self-esteem from work achievements helps individuals find fulfillment and balance in different areas of their lives.
  • In healthy relationships, there should be a ratio of 20 positive interactions for every one negative interaction.
  • Some people fear therapy because healing from trauma or personal growth might require uncomfortable or challenging changes in behavior or defense mechanisms.

When Your Friends Sabotage You When You Try to Change (01:12:56)

  • Making positive changes can disrupt existing relationship dynamics and create pressure on partners to change as well, leading to resistance and conflict.
  • New Year's resolutions often fail due to a lack of understanding of the stages of change, particularly the importance of the maintenance stage in making new behaviors habitual and avoiding relapse.
  • Self-compassion is more effective than self-criticism in helping individuals make long-term changes.
  • Wise compassion involves understanding and considering the other person's perspective, while idiot compassion blindly supports a friend's perspective without considering the other party's viewpoint and can hinder personal growth and learning.
  • Couples therapy can provide a space for partners to share perspectives and experiences, leading to a more comprehensive understanding of relationship dynamics.
  • According to a couples therapist, the optimal age for marriage to reduce the likelihood of divorce is between 28 and 32 for both men and women, as it is associated with emotional maturity, financial stability, and life experience.

Do Women Express More Emotion Than Men? (01:21:20)

  • Women may express more emotion than men in therapy sessions.
  • Crying can be used as manipulation to avoid dealing with issues in a relationship.
  • The person playing the victim has power in the relationship, making it difficult to address problems.
  • In therapy, the therapist may encourage the partner to express their feelings while managing the other partner's emotions.

Do Our Dreams Have True Meanings? (01:23:12)

  • Dreams can have both random and meaningful elements.
  • Dreams can reveal underlying stories or concerns that individuals may not consciously acknowledge while awake.
  • Dreams can symbolize fears and preoccupations that feel too overwhelming to confront in real life.
  • Writing down dreams in the present tense immediately after waking up can help recall more details and understand their significance.
  • Dreams can serve as precursors to important issues that need to be addressed in life.

The Safety of Self-Compassion (01:25:44)

  • Self-confession can reveal things about oneself that are difficult to admit.
  • Dreams can be scary, but acknowledging them allows for processing and making choices in waking life.
  • Most people are unaware of how they spend their time.
  • Living with intention involves recognizing that life is finite and making conscious choices about how to spend it.
  • Regret can be a powerful engine for change, motivating individuals to avoid past mistakes and live more intentionally.

The Opposite of Depression Isn't Happiness (01:27:31)

  • Vitality, not happiness, is what people seek in life.
  • People often have affairs because they feel a lack of vitality in their current relationship.
  • Menopause can trigger psychological changes that lead to divorce.
  • Menopause can cause women to question their marriages and life choices.
  • Women who have been caretakers for others may prioritize their own needs and desires during menopause.
  • The realization that time is limited can motivate women to seek vitality and fulfillment in their lives.

The Grief of Heartbreak and How to Recover (01:30:22)

  • Heartbreak involves grieving the loss of the present and imagined future with someone and is often not fully acknowledged or understood by others.
  • It's important to acknowledge and sit with someone in their loss, rather than trying to cheer them up or avoid the topic.
  • Heartbreak can serve as a wake-up call to reflect on one's life choices and priorities, and therapy can be a valuable tool in healing and gaining self-awareness.
  • When someone is going through a difficult situation, it's important to hold hope for them even if they can't access it themselves, and sharing personal experiences of heartbreak can help them feel less alone and understood.
  • Allowing the person to grieve and express their feelings is important, rather than trying to cheer them up, and setting aside a specific time each day for them to process their grief can help prevent constant rumination.

How to Help Someone Going Through Heartbreak (01:38:27)

  • Heartbreak evolved as a mechanism to maintain connection and avoid disconnection, emphasizing the importance of love for survival and well-being.
  • Modern society is becoming increasingly disconnected, with young people spending less time socializing in person and more time on their phones, leading to a lack of true vulnerability and friendship.
  • True vulnerability involves sharing personal thoughts and feelings face-to-face, despite the risk of judgment or rejection, and it acts as a magnet, attracting others rather than repelling them.
  • Prioritizing face-to-face interactions and modeling vulnerability for the next generation is crucial for fostering meaningful connections and building friendships.

The Last Guest Question (01:45:38)

  • Lori Gottlieb, the host of the podcast, asks her guest, Esther Perel, what she would do if she had only 60 days left on Earth.
  • Esther Perel says she would hug her son and focus on living the life she wants to live now rather than waiting for later.
  • Esther Perel's book challenges people to see themselves in a new light and is both accessible and relatable.
  • Esther Perel's ability to get to the fundamentals of a problem is a magical thing.
  • Zoe is a sponsor of the podcast and Stephen is an investor in the company.
  • Zoe is a health company that offers the most scientifically advanced gut health test on the market.
  • Zoe has recently identified 100 bacteria types in the gut, which is a huge step forward in gut health research.
  • Listeners can use the exclusive code "ceo1" for 10% off when they visit to learn more and start their Zoe journey.

Overwhelmed by Endless Content?