Paul Brunson: "The 70/30 Body Shape Is Scientifically The Most Sexy" & THIS Predicts Divorce!

Intro (00:00:00)

• The number one reason for breakups is not finance or infidelity.
• Choosing a weak partner can lead to a shorter, unhappier, and unhealthier life.
• The most important decision one can make is who they choose as a partner.
• The speaker, Paul Brunson, is a renowned matchmaker and relationship scientist.
• Brunson emphasizes the importance of understanding attachment theory and its impact on relationships.
• The speaker requests viewers to subscribe to the channel to support the production and scaling of the show.

What Do You Do? (00:02:14)

• Paul Brunson's previous appearance on the show was a great success, with high retention rates.
• Brunson's expertise in relationship science stems from his diverse experiences in finance, journalism, and working with billionaires like Enver Yucel and Oprah Winfrey.
• Brunson's passion for relationship science drives him to continuously learn and share his knowledge.
• He became the head of global insights for Tinder, gaining access to a vast amount of data on dating behavior.

What History Tells Us About Our Current Relationship Needs (00:05:52)

• Humans initially practiced assortative mating, selecting partners based on similar characteristics for procreation.
• The pragmatic phase of relationships focused on survival and procreation, lasting until the 1800s.
• The romantic period, from the 1800s to the 1960s, saw companionship emerge as a key factor in partner selection.
• The age of self-expression, beginning in the 1960s, emphasizes individual well-being and self-actualization in partner choices.

Why Arranged Marriages Last Longer (00:10:07)

• Arranged marriages, despite lacking individual choice, tend to last longer, with higher satisfaction for both partners.
• The success of arranged marriages may be attributed to the involvement of multiple individuals who assess the suitability of the partners.
• Brunson's matchmaking agency interviewed friends, family, and colleagues of clients to gain a comprehensive understanding of their character and values.
• Cognitive dissonance often leads individuals to believe they behave as they think they do, but their actions may reveal their true values.
• Time allocation and discretionary spending can serve as indicators of one's true values.
• Values should be viewed as a prioritized list, acknowledging that time is finite while values are not.

Why 80% of Marriages Are Unsatisfied (00:15:05)

• Arranged marriages have higher satisfaction rates and longer durations because families make decisions based on factors individuals may not see.
• Traditional marriages outside of arranged marriages have 80% dissatisfaction due to expecting too much from partners.
• The 20% of satisfied couples put in effort and utilize available relationship tools.
• Encouraging partners to meet their needs elsewhere can improve satisfaction.

Your Friends Know If Your Partner Is the One (00:20:14)

• Friends can often see relationship issues that individuals may miss.
• If all friends agree that a partner is not the right fit, it's essential to listen to their advice.

Find Personal Satisfaction; It Determines Your Relationship's Outcome (00:21:19)

• Personal satisfaction before entering a relationship leads to higher satisfaction within the relationship.
• Carol Riffs' Six Dimensions of Psychological Well-being:
  • Personal development
  • Inspiration
  • Autonomy
  • Environmental mastery
  • Strong relationships
  • Self-acceptance
• Working on these dimensions enhances well-being and self-actualization, strengthening partnerships.

Stop Expecting That Love Will Fix Your Life (00:24:35)

• Relationships are not a solution to personal problems; they require work and effort.
• Misunderstanding the role in relationships and choosing weak partners are significant causes of breakups.
• Choosing strong partners and working together to unveil each other's best selves leads to numerous benefits, including longevity, happiness, and financial success.
• Choosing weak partners can result in emotional, psychological distress, and even domestic violence.

Love Is Not Like The Movies (00:27:34)

• The idea that relationships require continuous work and effort is often overlooked in popular culture, which portrays love as a happily-ever-after ending.
• Viewing relationships as an opportunity to develop transferable life skills can make the process more fulfilling and beneficial.
• Secure relationships, while lacking the excitement of conflict, provide a sense of stability and comfort.

Why Men Are Struggling (00:31:38)

• Men are facing significant struggles in the modern dating landscape, particularly with the rise of digitalized dating apps.
• Dating apps tend to favor individuals with higher social status and physical attractiveness, leaving many men feeling rejected and discouraged.
• Fear of rejection is a major factor contributing to men's difficulties in forming relationships, stemming from deep-rooted evolutionary and societal factors.
• Historically, men without high social status or physical prowess were often sent to war, while those with desirable traits were more likely to find mates.
• In contemporary society, with warfare conducted differently, many men feel marginalized and uncertain about their place and value.

The Golden Mean: The Ratio of Attractiveness (00:37:36)

• The golden mean is a ratio that measures physical attractiveness based on specific body proportions.
• For women, the golden mean is calculated as the ratio of waist to hips, with a 70% waist-to-hip ratio considered optimal for fertility and attractiveness.
• This ratio has remained consistent across cultures and time periods, suggesting an innate preference for certain body proportions.
• While cultural influences can exaggerate or modify the golden mean, it generally serves as an indicator of fertility and attractiveness.
• For men, the golden mean is calculated as the ratio of shoulders to waist, with a 70% waist-to-shoulder ratio considered ideal.
• This ratio is associated with physical strength and protection, which were important traits for women seeking partners in the past.
• Matchmakers often use the golden mean to assess physical attractiveness and make recommendations for clients.

Find the Value You Bring to the Dating Market (00:41:55)

• Mate value is an evolutionary psychology term that refers to the value we bring to the mating marketplace.
• Mate value includes physical appearance, status, kindness, behavior, and confidence.
• Mate value can change based on context and what a potential partner is seeking.

The Premium Effect (00:46:17)

• The premium effect refers to being a scarce or desirable commodity in a certain environment.
• Black women on dating apps often receive less attention due to ethnicity being a primary selection criterion for many users.
• By putting black female clients on JDate, a dating app for Jewish people, the author observed a premium effect, where they received more attention and interactions.
• The author suggests that individuals can increase their chances of finding love by putting themselves in situations where they are scarce or unique.
• High self-esteem is important for being able to step out of one's comfort zone and be different, as it reduces the need for external validation and allows individuals to see the value in others beyond traditional attractiveness.

Improving Low Self-Esteem (00:53:20)

• People with low self-esteem tend to focus more on appearances and looks.
• Low self-esteem can lead to being single and missing out on great people.
• Boosting self-esteem can improve relationships.
• Self-esteem is underrated and often overlooked.
• Low self-esteem can lead to seeking validation from others.
• High self-esteem individuals don't care about society's opinion.
• Practical ways to boost self-esteem:
  • Self-compassion (journaling, meditation, exercise).
  • Setting and achieving achievable goals.
  • Surrounding oneself with people who have high self-esteem.
• Keeping small commitments to oneself builds self-esteem.
• Consistency in small steps leads to bigger results and habits.

Older Generations in the Dating World (00:59:27)

• There might be a generation trapped between traditional and digital dating.
• The number one age of new daters is 18, while the second is 55.
• "Emptiness syndrome" leads to a surge in older daters.
• Older daters who are new to dating apps do well by being authentic.
• Authenticity and leaning into quirks attract others.
• Everyone is extraordinary and unique in their own way.
• Embrace the good and be transparent about desired traits.
• Disclose any toxic traits and acknowledge if you're working on them.

How to Go About Our Negative Traits (01:05:31)

• Podcasts are great for creating awareness about negative traits.
• To work on negative traits, one should actively listen, learn to respond instead of react, and practice metacognition (thinking about one's thinking).
• These skills can lead to improved relationships, happiness, reduced stress, longer life, and increased income.

Does the Sex Ratio Matter? (01:09:25)

• Sex ratio (number of women to men) impacts relationship formation and dynamics.
• In areas with more men than women (e.g., rural China), women have more negotiation power and can choose partners more freely.
• In environments or professions dominated by one gender, the sex ratio can influence relationship dynamics.
• Choosing a career or environment that exposes one to a desired gender balance can be a strategic consideration for finding a partner.

How to Teach Your Children to Be in Successful Relationships (01:15:02)

• Hypergamy (seeking partners of higher social status) is prevalent in online dating, especially among college-educated women.
• Historically, women needed to choose partners with equal or greater resources for survival.
• Modern relationships focused on self-expression are a relatively new phenomenon.
• Gen Z is predicted to have the strongest marriages, despite the overall decline in marriage rates.
• Those who choose to marry in this generation will likely have consciously chosen the union and possess the tools for self-evolution and mutual support.

Concerns Around Child Rate Decline (01:18:52)

• The world is facing an issue of underpopulation, with many countries having a fertility rate below the replacement rate of 2.1 children per woman.
• This decline in birth rates has led to concerns about the future of society, including the ability to support an aging population and maintain economic growth.
• Some people have proposed policies to encourage people to have more children, but these can be controversial and raise ethical concerns.

Gen Z Knows What We Need to Sustain a Healthy Relationship (01:25:40)

• Attachment theory is a psychological concept that describes how individuals form close relationships with others.
• There are four main attachment styles: secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized.
• Attachment style is influenced by early childhood experiences and can impact how individuals behave in romantic relationships.
• It is important to understand that attachment styles are not globally applicable and may vary across different cultures and societies.

What Are the Different Attachment Styles in a Relationship (01:30:29)

• Research has found that attachment styles can influence the frequency of orgasms in different types of sexual interactions.
• Avoidant individuals tend to have more orgasms in casual sexual encounters, while secure and anxious individuals have fewer orgasms in these situations.
• Understanding one's attachment style can help individuals make informed choices about their relationships and sexual experiences.

Our Attachment Style and Sex Patterns (01:33:50)

• Avoidants may have different sexual boundaries and interests than secure or anxious individuals.
• Avoidants may prefer sex that is less emotionally intimate.
• Anxious individuals may need more emotional intimacy and foreplay.
• Sexual fantasies can be influenced by trauma, upbringing, and past experiences.
• Different sexual preferences and fantasies can lead to misunderstandings and conflicts in relationships.

What to Look for in a Relationship (01:39:37)

• Many people focus on superficial qualities when choosing a partner, which can limit their options and lead to disappointment.
• Emotional fitness is more important than any amount of money or other superficial qualities.
• Emotionally fit individuals are emotionally stable and intelligent, and they can maintain their composure during both highs and lows.
• Other important qualities to look for in a partner include courageous vision, resilient resourcefulness, open-mindedness, and compassionate support.
• Online dating apps do not prioritize these fundamental qualities, which makes it difficult to find a suitable partner based solely on physical appearance.

Why Narcissists Are Attractive (01:48:35)

• Narcissists exhibit attractive qualities at the beginning of a relationship, such as self-assurance and confidence.
• Narcissists are willing to lie and manipulate to get what they want.
• Narcissists view their partners as objects to be used and discarded.
• Narcissists and psychopaths are the most successful in speed dating due to their ability to appear confident and self-assured.

Watch Out: 14% of the Population Are Psychopaths, Sadists & Narcissists (01:49:48)

• Narcissists are dangerous and unlikely to change their behavior.
• The dark tetrad includes narcissism, psychopathy, machiavellianism, and sadism.
• Less than 15% of the population falls within one of these categories.
• A clinically diagnosed narcissist can make life extremely difficult for their partner.
• Narcissists use others for their own pleasure and may exhibit machiavellianism.
• To spot a narcissist, observe their behavior over a long period.

Red Flags in a Partner (01:55:05)

• Cheating in previous relationships can be a red flag, but behavior can change.
• The dark tetrad and lack of effort are the main red flags in a partner.
• Criminal history may not necessarily indicate a bad person.
• Lack of effort, such as refusing therapy or trust exercises, is a red flag.
• Open and honest communication is essential in a relationship.
• Building a strong relationship involves resolving conflicts healthily and affirming each other.
• Relationships require constant effort and nourishment to grow.

The Four Horsemen (02:01:09)

• John Gottman's research on couples identified four key attributes that indicate relationship problems.
• Criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt are the Four Horsemen.
• Contempt is the most significant predictor of a breakup, indicating a lack of respect and value for the partner.
• Gottman observed these attributes in 6-second increments during videotaped interactions.
• Awareness of these attributes can help couples identify and address issues in their relationship.

The Importance of Conflict Resolution (02:03:36)

• Conflict resolution is key to a satisfying relationship.
• Most relationships break up due to hundreds of small incidents over time, not one major incident.
• The inability to resolve conflicts about finances, infidelity, etc. is the root cause of most breakups.
• Conflict resolution begins with self-reflection and ensuring personal happiness and satisfaction.
• When you are happy and satisfied, you attract people with similar positive energy.
• Choosing a partner is the most important career decision, according to Sheryl Sandberg and Warren Buffett.