The Divorce Expert: 86% Of People Who Divorce Remarry! Why Sex Is Causing Divorces!

Intro (00:00:00)

• James Ston, a renowned divorce lawyer, shares insights into the causes of divorce and remarriage.
• He emphasizes that marital problems often stem from issues related to sex.
• Ston highlights the importance of understanding the implications of marriage, including prenups and financial matters.
• He discusses controversial topics such as infidelity, violence, and the role of love in marriage.

I Am A Divorce Lawyer (00:02:02)

• James Ston describes his profession as a divorce lawyer, representing clients in contested divorce and custody proceedings.
• He explains that people who end up in his office are usually facing significant challenges in their lives.

How Many People Divorce (00:02:37)

• Approximately 56% of marriages end in divorce, and up to 75% fail due to misery or financial reasons.
• Despite the high failure rate, marriage remains a widely assumed and expected institution in society, with those who choose not to marry facing scrutiny and judgment.
• Neuroscientific, social psychological, and cognitive biases may contribute to this societal bias towards marriage.
• A divorce expert cautions a man who is quickly remarrying after an ugly divorce, advising him to be cautious considering the challenges of his previous marriage.
• The man dismisses the expert's advice, claiming he feels a deep connection with his new partner.

The Dynamics Between Gold Diggers And Millionaires (00:08:51)

• There is a symbiotic relationship between gold diggers and millionaires.
• Both parties bring different things to the table.
• The millionaire provides financial resources and the gold digger provides beauty, energy, and excitement.
• This arrangement can be mutually beneficial and not necessarily predatory or unfair.
• It is more concerning when a billionaire is in a relationship with a young, gorgeous woman who is allegedly madly in love with him despite his lack of physical attractiveness or personality.
• In such cases, the woman may be motivated by the man's wealth rather than genuine love.

What's Prenups? And The Legalities Behind Marriage! (00:12:33)

• Prenuptial agreement is a contract between two people that defines the rules for their marriage.
• Marriage has different meanings: spiritual commitment, religious commitment, social definition, and legal status.
• Prenuptial agreement allows couples to decide on the economic rules of their relationship rather than relying on the legislature or government agencies.
• Most people who are married have little understanding of the legal rights and obligations conferred on them by marriage.
• Legal rights and obligations in marriage can change due to political and legislative changes, such as changes in spousal support and tax deductibility.
• Prenuptial agreements are designed for couples who have an abundance of affection for each other and want to create a rule set for their relationship.

The Perfect Prenup (00:17:14)

• A prenuptial agreement (prenup) is a legal contract that outlines how assets and debts will be divided in the event of a divorce.
• The simplest prenup divides assets and liabilities into three categories: Yours, Mine, and Ours.
• The Yours category includes assets and liabilities that belong solely to one spouse and are free from any claim or obligation by the other spouse.
• The Mine category includes assets and liabilities that belong solely to the other spouse and are free from any claim or obligation by the first spouse.
• The Ours category includes assets and liabilities that are jointly owned by both spouses and for which they are equally responsible or entitled to half the value.
• After creating these categories and signing the prenup, couples should continue to have conversations about their finances and regularly update the prenup as needed.

Disagreements Over Prenups (00:18:56)

• Prenups are important to discuss and consider before marriage, just like life insurance, to ensure both parties are protected and their needs are met in case of a divorce.
• Prenups should not be seen as a sign of planning to end a marriage, but rather as a way to ensure both parties are protected and their needs are met in case of a divorce.
• It is important to have open and honest conversations about expectations and needs to avoid potential conflicts in the future.
• Prenups can help prevent marriages from happening if one party strongly objects to signing one, which can be a sign of underlying issues that need to be addressed before proceeding with the marriage.
• A prenuptial agreement can be a romantic gesture that ensures both partners' rights and needs are met in case of a divorce.

Are Prenups Legal? (00:26:48)

• Prenups are legally enforceable in the USA.
• A prenup can only be set aside if it was unconscionable at the time it was made.
• Unconscionability means that the contract is so unfair that no fair dealing person would offer it and no sane person would accept it.

The Most Shocking Prenup (Don't Get Fat) (00:28:34)

• The most shocking prenup had a provision that for every 10 pounds the wife gained in the marriage, she would lose $10,000 a month in alimony.
• The court ruled that the provision was enforceable, even though it was considered a disgusting provision.

Appearance As A Measure Of Love In A Relationship (00:29:59)

• The speaker discusses a prenuptial agreement that mentions the wife's physical appearance as a factor in the agreement.
• The speaker expresses their opinion that this type of agreement is shallow but honest.
• The speaker explains that their role as a lawyer is to analyze the agreement from a technical standpoint, rather than a personal one.
• The speaker describes how they would approach the agreement from the perspective of the wife, trying to maximize her baseline weight and minimize her weight at the time of divorce.
• 86% of people who get divorced remarry.
• Sex is a major cause of divorce.

Prenups With Fidelity & Cheating Clauses (00:32:33)

• Fidelity clauses are clauses in prenuptial or postnuptial agreements that specify penalties for cheating.
• Defining cheating can be tricky as there are different levels of infidelity.
• Cheating often has its own consequences and adding an economic penalty may not deter someone who is already inclined to cheat.
• The speaker claims that sex is a major cause of divorce.
• People often have unrealistic expectations about sex in marriage.
• Lack of communication and intimacy can lead to sexual problems and eventually divorce.
• It is important for couples to talk openly about their sexual needs and desires.

Are Prenups On The Rise? (00:37:30)

• There has been a significant increase in the number of people getting prenups, especially among those in their 20s and early 30s.
• The current generation has a more pragmatic view of relationships and is more open to discussing prenuptial agreements.
• Despite the rise of social media showcasing seemingly perfect relationships, many people are dissatisfied with their own relationships, which may not be as fulfilling as portrayed online.
• There is a trend of celebrities publicly announcing their breakups while simultaneously requesting privacy, which can be confusing and frustrating for the public.

Are People Fake Happy? (00:39:39)

• Individuals who constantly feel the need to convince others of their happiness may not genuinely be happy.
• Wealthy individuals often maintain a low-key lifestyle and avoid flaunting their wealth.
• Celebrities and influencers often live performative lives to maintain their public image, which can lead to financial debt and a constant need for validation and external approval.
• Genuine happiness comes from meaningful relationships and self-worth, rather than external recognition and praise.

Stop Comparing Your Relationships To Others (00:44:18)

• Lack of communication about sex and intimacy can lead to dissatisfaction and potential infidelity, which are common issues in relationships.
• Sex is a crucial factor in romantic relationships and serves as the glue that binds partners together.
• Open and honest communication about sexual preferences, frequency, and satisfaction is essential to prevent relationships from reaching a point of complete breakdown.
• Preventative maintenance in relationships involves regular check-ins to ensure continued connection, excitement, attraction, and enjoyment between partners.
• People who are happily married over a long period of time have better lives, as a partner can provide support, companionship, and help individuals see their blind spots.

How To Prevent Divorce (00:50:44)

• Preventative maintenance in a relationship involves small gestures of courtesy and appreciation towards your partner, such as leaving a note of appreciation or expressing admiration, which can strengthen the emotional connection.
• Dogs can serve as an analogy for long-term relationships, as people tend to grow fonder of their dogs despite their aging and imperfections, highlighting the importance of acceptance and appreciation in relationships.
• Societal change is necessary to promote a culture of appreciation and respect within romantic relationships, as the cultural acceptance of disrespect and disdain towards one's partner is detrimental to the relationship.
• Making fun of your partner in front of others can be damaging to the relationship, leading to a lack of respect and trust between partners and creating a negative atmosphere.

Happy Wife, Happy Life (00:55:25)

• The speaker criticizes the unrealistic standard of "happy wife, happy life" and suggests that the primary goal in life should be pursuing a higher quality of life and making positive contributions to the world.
• Open and honest communication is essential in relationships, and couples should set aside time each week to listen to each other's concerns and work through issues non-defensively.
• Psychologist Jordan Peterson advises men to listen to their wives for at least 90 minutes a week to avoid potential divorce.
• The "Hit Send Now" technique involves openly communicating important matters with your partner when you're both in a good place.
• Addressing issues quickly and honestly prevents resentment from building.
• When discussing sensitive topics, such as a decrease in sexual intimacy, focus on finding solutions and understanding each other's perspectives.
• Open communication allows partners to find common ground and address changes in desires or priorities.

Is Sex The Biggest Cause Of Divorce? (01:02:59)

• Sex is a crucial factor in romantic relationships, and its absence or significant change can indicate marital problems.
• The decline in sexual intimacy can be a cause or effect of other issues within the relationship, such as communication problems or emotional distance.
• Effective communication and expressing one's feelings are essential for addressing marital problems.
• Many marital problems arise from not knowing or expressing one's desires.
• Sex is a common cause of divorce, particularly when there is a lack of intimacy or mismatched sexual desires.
• Communication and compromise are vital for a successful marriage.

Fixing The Marriage (01:07:53)

• The speaker is now a 'chainsaw' lawyer, hired for difficult cases due to his expertise in high-conflict situations.
• Despite his success as a lawyer, he acknowledges that his intense dedication to work may not be healthy.
• In the early stages of his career, he often tried to steer couples towards reconciliation if he thought it was possible.

Who Cheats More? (01:09:36)

• The speaker believes that both men and women cheat with similar frequency.
• Men are more often accused of ruining the relationship by cheating, while women are more likely to express dissatisfaction.

Who Wants More Sex? (01:10:02)

• Men generally want more sex than women.
• Men prefer frequent sex over quality sex.
• Pornography is more popular with men than women.
• Men often complain about their wives not having enough sex with them.
• Some clients have reported not having sex with their spouse for years.
• Cheating is a significant factor in many divorces.
• It is an oversimplification to view cheating as the sole cause of divorce.
• There are often underlying issues and conditions that contribute to cheating.
• Cheating can be a result of a lack of intimacy, communication, or attention in a relationship.
• Both partners may have contributed to the conditions that led to cheating.

Most Shocking Deceit (01:13:05)

• People admit shocking things about their affairs.
• One example is a man who had two families, neither of whom knew about the other.
• People often have affairs with their in-laws or nannies.

Why Husbands Like To Sleep With The Nannies (01:14:18)

• Wealthy clients often sleep with their nannies.
• Nannies share characteristics with wives, such as being good with children and supportive.
• Nannies are employees, which makes the relationship simpler.
• Nannies have lives outside the home and are mysterious.
• Advice to wives: embrace the part of yourself that's like the nanny.
• Don't let your spouse and children eclipse who you are.
• Cultivate your interests and passions.
• Remember who you are and the value you brought to the relationship.

Killing To Get Out Of A Relationship (01:16:36)

• Divorce is common, with 86% of divorced individuals remarrying.
• Sex is not the primary cause of divorce but rather a symptom of underlying issues.
• Poor choices can lead to negative consequences, as seen in cases of serial killers and individuals who engage in affairs and hide money from their spouses.
• Domestic violence and intimate partner abuse are prevalent, with severe emotional consequences for victims, including suicide, self-harm, and feelings of hopelessness.
• Divorce lawyers represent their clients' interests in divorce proceedings, advocating for their benefit and potentially serving as a protective force or a harmful weapon depending on the lawyer's character.

Have You Ever Cried? (01:22:17)

• The speaker has cried for various reasons related to their work.
• They often cry out of appreciation for beauty and are astounded by people's strength and resilience.
• The speaker shares a moving story of a client who was reunited with his dog after a legal battle, which brought tears to both the client and the speaker.

Love And Loss (01:24:29)

• Impermanence is a key aspect of life, exemplified by the brevity of a dog's lifespan and the fragility of love.
• Mindfulness exercises, such as imagining embracing someone while contemplating their mortality, can enhance our appreciation for the present and the people in our lives.
• Divorce lawyers, who frequently witness the fragility of love, recognize its significance and transience.
• Euthanizing a pet when their quality of life declines is an act of love and service.
• Love is impermanent and should be cherished accordingly.
• The pain of losing a loved one is inevitable but worthwhile for the joy that love brings.
• Our capacity for love is infinite, even after experiencing loss.
• Love involves vulnerability and the risk of heartbreak, but its joys outweigh the pain.
• The speaker reflects on personal experiences with heartbreak and healing in relationships, emphasizing the importance of expressing emotions, finding beauty in life, and acknowledging the cycle of life and death.

Seeing Relationships As Chapters (01:37:01)

• Love is beautiful, but marriage and love are often seen as terrible ideas.
• Romantic relationships should be viewed as chapters in a long book, not as a search for a soulmate.
• The idea of a soulmate creates the possibility that someone else might be more perfect for us, leading to dissatisfaction and divorce.
• People have an infinite capacity for love and can have multiple satisfying romantic relationships.
• Relationships should be evaluated based on whether they leave people better off, not just on whether they end in death.
• People's preferences and needs change over time, so what is attractive and compelling in one's 20s may not be the same in one's 50s.
• The idea that couples will grow together and change in complementary ways is not always true and may be naive.
• Many couples are confused about whether their relationship is broken or if they just need to put in more effort.

Have We Been Sold An Idyllic Lie? (01:40:55)

• Many people compare their relationships to unrealistic ideals, such as those portrayed in romantic comedies, which can lead to dissatisfaction and unrealistic expectations.
• Comparing a partner to an idealized version of a perfect partner can lead to disappointment and dissatisfaction in a relationship.
• It is important to compare relationships to real relationships rather than idealized versions.
• The quickest marriage to divorce was 48 hours, which is usually an annulment.
• Sometimes people have immediate regret or get married on a whim without fully considering the commitment.
• There is no waiting period required to get married, unlike other important decisions like purchasing a firearm.

Is Money The Biggest Cause Of Divorce? (01:44:34)

• Money issues are a significant cause of divorce, but not in the traditional sense of going broke.
• Money is tied to power, control, security, and other emotional factors.
• Dishonesty about money is common in relationships, leading to problems.
• Two common dynamics in relationships:
  • One person has more economic power than the other.
  • Both partners have equal bargaining positions, but something changes.
• When a husband loses his job, it can lead to divorce due to:
  • Men's self-definition as providers and protectors being challenged.
  • Women finding it unappealing to be the breadwinner.
• Losing a job has a significant impact on heterosexual male-female marriages.
• The issue is not about the money itself but the symbolic meanings attached to it.
• In a divorce, mandatory discovery allows one partner to review the other's financials.
• This process involves examining credit card slips and other financial records to uncover hidden expenses and assets.
• It's difficult to hide money without leaving a trace in the modern digital age.

Can You Hide Money? (01:48:59)

• Transferring assets to another person's name to hide money during a divorce can be considered a fraudulent conveyance and can be voided by the court.
• Some people gradually move assets out of the marital estate over a long period of time to avoid detection.

You Are Liable For Debts (01:50:16)

• Many people live under a significant amount of debt, including credit card debt, car leases, and mortgages.
• The net worth of an individual is the value of their assets minus their liabilities.
• Many people may have a high income but do not have significant assets due to their debt obligations.
• Assets such as jewelry purchased with personal loans may depreciate quickly, resulting in a lower resale value.

Winning The Lottery And Keeping Quiet (01:51:49)

• A man won the lottery and went from a minimum wage job to having $25 million after taxes.
• His wife was entitled to half of the winnings since they were legally considered one person in the eyes of the law.
• The couple was already unhappily married and decided to get a divorce after the lottery win.

LGBT Rights & Divorces (01:53:20)

• LGBT couples face similar challenges to heterosexual couples in terms of divorce, such as impermanence and the soulmate myth.
• Historically, LGBT couples have had more freedom to create their own relationship structures due to marginalization and ostracism.
• The speaker supports marriage equality and believes LGBT couples should have the same rights as heterosexual couples.
• The long-term effects of same-sex marriage on divorce rates are yet to be determined, as it has only been legal for about 10 years.
• The speaker is currently handling divorce cases for lesbian and gay couples.

Are Open Relationships The Answer? (01:59:19)

• The speaker, a divorce expert, is not qualified to answer whether open relationships work.
• The speaker only meets people who have tried ethical non-monogamy and failed, which is not representative of the general population.
• The speaker has never seen non-monogamy work in any of their personal relationships or friendships.
• The speaker believes that society is not honest about monogamy and that many couples engage in non-monogamy without openly discussing it.
• Monogamy involves various relationships, including roommate, co-parent, travel companion, and family companion.
• Men and women, or specific partners in a relationship, may have different levels of importance placed on sex.
• It is acceptable to delegate tasks or activities based on individual preferences and interests.

Is Cheating Okay? (02:02:00)

• Cheating is common and people often accept it in their relationships.
• People may appear deeply committed to their marriage while still having affairs.
• Cheating can be seen as a "cheat meal" or a way to treat oneself.
• The human desire for variety and passion contributes to cheating.
• The Ten Commandments include two rules against cheating, indicating its significance as a human issue.
• Many men's actions are driven by the desire to attract and have sex with women.
• The manosphere and red pill communities focus on making oneself appealing to potential sexual partners.

Should We Get Married? (02:05:44)

• Marriage is a controversial topic with strong opinions on both sides.
• Some common reasons people give for getting married include religious beliefs, the desire for a stable environment to raise children, and the commitment to solving problems together.
• Marriage can provide a supportive and loving environment where partners can grow and thrive together.
• It is important to consider the reasons for getting married and whether marriage is the best solution to the problems one is facing.
• Marriage can serve as a public declaration of commitment and a way to hold each other accountable in maintaining monogamy.
• Marriage is viewed as a legal status and a government intervention, with additional elements added to it culturally.

Last Guest Question (02:13:14)

• The guest speaker reflected on their experiences of true love, recalling a childhood memory where their father showed love by letting them have the remaining pizza slices.
• The speaker emphasized that true love is not about sacrifice but finding joy in the happiness of others and cherishing loved ones while they are still present.
• The speaker is promoting their product called "conversation cards," designed to help couples connect and communicate through different levels of vulnerability.
• The updated version 2 of the conversation cards is now available on their website.