The Orgasm Expert: THIS Is How Often You Should Be Having Sex & Stop Inviting Pets Into The Bedroom!

Intro (00:00:00)

• 52% of women and 42% of men are unhappy with their sex lives.
• Society's representation of desire as lust, passion, and spontaneity is not the norm.
• Waiting to feel desire can lead to long periods of dissatisfaction.
• Sexual desire can be triggered using "sexual currency".
• Penis and vagina sex is women's least favorite sexual act, yet it's often seen as the norm.
• The recommended frequency of sex is three times a month, not three times a week.
• Scheduling sex is not recommended, but fantasies and fetishes can be explored.
• Parents who are struggling with sex can start having sex again when their child is about six years old.
• The channel has reached five million subscribers on YouTube.
• A surprise is in store for subscribers in 2024, with changes in production, guests, and global stories.

What Do You Do and Why Do You Do It? (00:02:43)

• Dr. Karen Gurney works to change people's relationships with sex.
• Sex is important for psychological and relationship well-being, and great sex can lead to longer-lasting relationships and increased productivity at work.
• High rates of dissatisfaction with sex lives exist in the UK and worldwide.
• Sex is fascinating because there's much that's unknown and stigmatized, making it difficult for people to talk about.
• Sex therapy allows Dr. Gurney to create positive change in people's lives and work with individuals and couples of all ages.

Our Attention Is Being Hijacked Which Is Affecting Our Sex Lives (00:04:32)

• The frequency of sex has decreased in recent decades due to our fast-paced lifestyle, work-life balance, distractibility, and excessive use of devices.
• Attention is crucial for sexual experiences, and distractions can hinder arousal, pleasure, and desire.
• Mindfulness practices can enhance sexual desire and improve overall sexual experiences by sharpening attention and reducing distractions.
• Distractions, especially those that are cognitively salient or stressful, can turn down arousal and make it harder to achieve pleasure and orgasm.
• Reducing distractions, addressing underlying worries, and promoting the ability to focus on sexual thoughts and sensations can enhance sexual response.
• Changes in society and work habits, such as checking emails before bed, can disrupt relaxation, increase stress levels, and hinder sexual arousal.
• The myth that men are always ready for sex is not true. Everyone needs the right conditions, such as the right mindset, lack of distractions, and a suitable environment, for satisfying sex.

Why Does Sex Get Harder the More We Think About It (00:10:33)

• Thinking about sex and worrying about it can make it harder to have sex.
• When we get turned on, we experience attentional focus narrowing, which can be great unless our attention is hijacked by a worry.
• Worrying about something interferes with sexual response by taking our attention away from what's erotic and activating our sympathetic nervous system, which sends chemical messages around the body saying "don't have sex, there's something to worry about."

Why Expectations and Pressure Make Sex Worse (00:12:26)

• Expectations and pressure can make sex worse.
• Great sex is often spontaneous, carefree, and worry-free.
• Pressure can become a compounding paradox, leading to more focus on problems and less enjoyment.
• Not being able to talk about sexual concerns can create tension and hinder communication.
• We learn about sex through media, social learning, and personal experiences, but these sources may not provide accurate or complete information.
• Sexual script theory suggests that we have preconceived notions about sex based on cultural influences and language, which can limit our experiences and understanding.
• Sexual scripts can reduce anxiety but can also lead to problems if not discussed openly.

How to Talk About Sex with Your Partner (00:17:46)

• Open communication about sex is crucial for long-term sexual satisfaction and maintaining desire in a relationship.
• Creating a culture where talking about sex is normalized, without pressure or expectations, is essential for growth and flexibility in sexual relationships.
• Initiate conversations about sex by discussing sex-related topics, such as podcasts, films, or sex scenes, and start by talking about things outside of your sexual relationship to build a foundation for open communication.
• Discuss your sex life with your partner when things are going well, such as after satisfying sex or during emotionally connected moments, and avoid discussing sex when things are bad.
• Develop a habit of regularly talking about sex as if it were any other topic, such as business, exercise, or diet, and once comfortable, start discussing things you would like to be different in your sex life.
• Set goals for your sex life, focusing on what you want more of and what you want less of, rather than dwelling on what you don't like.

How to Tell Your Partner You're Not Attracted to Them Anymore (00:23:45)

• Attraction is important in a relationship, especially if sex is important.
• Low attraction can make it challenging to maintain a sex life that works for both partners.
• Attraction can vary depending on the relationship dynamic.
• Caring for a partner like a child can shift attraction, especially for women in straight relationships.

How to Not Let Kids Ruin Your Sex Life (00:26:32)

• Sexual dissatisfaction is common for couples with young children.
• Factors that contribute to reduced desire after having kids include being in a long-term relationship, living together, trying to conceive, fertility problems, miscarriage, pregnancy, lack of sleep, stress, and the demands of parenting.

The Demographic That Comes to You More Than Any Other (00:28:01)

• People who come to the expert's clinical practice the most are parents.
• Parents seek help with desire, as parenthood brings additional challenges for couples to navigate.
• Time available for sex is limited, and initiating sex can be difficult when the other person is overwhelmed with responsibilities.
• These challenges are amplifications of what can be experienced in long-term relationships in general.

Why Desire Goes in a Relationship (00:28:52)

• Desire management theory suggests maintaining a certain level of distance in a relationship can help sustain desire.
• Spontaneous desire is more common in the early stages of a relationship or when partners live apart.
• Nonsexual motivations, such as wanting to feel close or relieve stress, can lead to sexual behavior.
• Waiting to feel desire before acting on it can lead to long periods of sexual inactivity, especially for women.
• Sexual desire can be triggered by sexual stimuli such as passionate kisses, flirtation, being naked together, or suggestive texts.
• Waiting to feel desire before engaging in sexual activity can lead to a lack of desire and intimacy in long-term relationships.

How to Trigger Desire in Your Relationship (00:34:49)

• Sexual content triggers arousal which triggers desire.
• Responsive desire emerges out of sexual activity.
• Long-term relationships experience a decline in sexual currency, which is everything that marks a couple as sexual apart from sex.
• Low levels of sexual currency and high levels of familiarity decrease the brain's coding of a partner as a sexual stimulus.
• Sexual currency can be increased by engaging in affectionate and flirtatious behaviors that are exclusive to the couple.
• Thinking of a sexual relationship as something that is always happening and nurturing it can enhance desire and meet sexual needs.
• Sexual currency helps couples move easily into sex without pressure.

The "Initiation" Problem (00:39:10)

• To overcome the psychological barrier of initiating sex, create a culture of low pressure and high levels of sexual currency.
• Initiate sex often and trivially, making it easy to invite and turn down sexual advances.
• Initiating sex under pressure can lead to a decrease in desire and further infrequent initiations.

Should We Schedule Sex? (00:40:57)

• Scheduling sex can create pressure and expectations, making it less enjoyable.
• Instead, schedule physical intimacy to maintain sexual currency and create opportunities for spontaneous sex.
• Be clear about your intentions when inviting someone into a potentially sexual situation, but also be okay if it doesn't lead to sex.

What Should We Be Doing to Keep Desire High in Our Relationships (00:43:41)

• Kiss more often, even if it's not leading to sex.
• Schedule time for physical intimacy, even if it's not intercourse.
• Understand how desire works and that it's normal to struggle sometimes.
• Distance and novelty can help keep desire high in a relationship.
• Emotional separation and having separate experiences can also help.
• Be aware of the roles you and your partner may get typecast into sexually and try to break out of them.

How to Talk About Your Fetish with Your Partner (00:46:31)

• Open communication about sexual desires and fantasies is essential for improving sexual satisfaction in a relationship.
• The "Conditions for Good Sex" exercise can help individuals identify their ideal sexual experiences and facilitate communication about sexual needs.
• If a couple's sexual desires don't completely align, they can negotiate and find compromises to meet each other's needs.
• Sexuality is individual and can be expressed alone or with others, and not all sexual needs have to be met by one person.
• Experimentation and open-mindedness can enhance sexual experiences, but it's crucial to respect each other's boundaries and comfort levels.

What Women Really Want During Sex (00:51:30)

• Most women (80%) do not orgasm from penetrative sex.
• Women's most pleasurable sexual acts involve clitoral stimulation or oral sex.
• For men, penetrative sex and masturbation are the highest pleasure-inducing sexual acts.
• The orgasm gap and differing levels of pleasure experienced by partners can negatively impact desire.

Does It Matter Who Initiates Sex? (00:53:21)

• The person initiating sex often experiences higher levels of sexual satisfaction.
• Subtle initiation attempts may be missed, leading to lost opportunities for sex.
• Direct initiation from women to men can be perceived as unsexy and may not effectively communicate enthusiasm or desire.
• Men often desire more than just a direct statement of wanting sex; they want to feel intimacy, desire, and enthusiasm from their partner.
• People can fall into predictable patterns of initiation, which may become irritating or unsexy over time.
• It is beneficial to have conversations about preferred initiation styles to ensure they align with each partner's desires.

If Our Idea of What We Want From Sex Isn't Happening What Should We Do? (00:56:40)

• We may have a preconceived notion of how sex should be, influenced by external sources like pornography or movies.
• When our sexual experiences don't match these expectations, we might feel something is wrong or broken.
• The space between willingness and desire can be uncomfortable, but it's important to occupy it for successful initiation.
• Initiating sex with a direct question like "shall we have sex" doesn't allow for exploring this space.
• Men may face additional pressure due to the visibility of arousal, which can impact their ability to get an erection.
• Arousal and desire don't always match, and a lack of erection doesn't necessarily indicate a lack of desire.

If Men Can't Get It Up, What Should We Do? (00:59:07)

• Arousal non-concordance is common, where the body doesn't respond to sexual thoughts or desires.
• This can happen to people of all genders, but it's more challenging for those with penises due to the visibility of arousal.
• Pressure and worry can further decrease arousal and make it harder to achieve an erection.
• Partners should understand that a lack of erection doesn't mean a lack of desire and should take the person's words at face value.
• Feeling judged or unattractive can worsen the situation.

The Optimal Amount of Times to Have Sex (01:03:58)

• The frequency of sex does not correlate with sexual satisfaction.
• Quality is more important than quantity.
• The average number of times people have sex in the UK is around three times a month.
• There is a wide variation in sexual frequency, with some couples having sex more often and others having sex less often.

Sexual Dissatisfaction Between Men and Women (01:05:52)

• Over 40% of women want to be having more sex than they are currently having.
• Men are typically more satisfied with their sex lives than women.
• Men find it easier to maintain desire for the same person in a long-term relationship compared to women.
• Women's responsive desire is easier to trigger with a wide range of sexual stimuli than men's.
• Spontaneous desire is only one type of desire and is influenced by both biological and social factors.
• Some men struggle to maintain spontaneous desire in a long-term relationship.
• Reactive desire is the desire that kicks in after some kind of sexual stimuli or arousal.

How to Deal with a Sex Life as a Parent (01:08:30)

• Parents face challenges in maintaining a healthy sex life due to factors such as sleep deprivation, work pressures, and the demands of raising young children.
• The decline in sexual frequency is a global trend observed in countries like Japan, Australia, Finland, and the USA.
• It is important for parents to acknowledge that the challenges they face in their sex life are normal and not a reflection of their relationship.
• Understanding the factors that impact sexual desire and satisfaction, such as pregnancy, trying to conceive, and the mental load of household responsibilities, can help couples navigate these challenges.
• Equitable division of household labor and a sense of partnership can contribute to better sexual satisfaction.
• Resentment and the perception of one partner as a third child can negatively impact sexual desire and satisfaction.

What You Can Do as a Parent to Ensure Your Sex Life Doesn't Go Off Track (01:12:30)

• Parenthood can be compared to navigating a storm, with different phases requiring different strategies.
• During challenging phases, such as the newborn phase, it's okay to prioritize survival and not worry about sex.
• At other times, it's important to assess the situation and make small adjustments to prevent long-term problems in the relationship.
• Increasing sexual satisfaction doesn't necessarily mean having more sex.
• Simple actions like turning each other down gently for sex and increasing sexual currency can significantly improve sexual satisfaction.
• Even when time and headspace for sex are limited, there are things couples can do to keep their relationship on track.

The Relationship Between Poor Sleep and Sex (01:14:02)

• Getting a good night's sleep increases the chances of having sex the next day by 14%.
• The number of times a parent wakes up at night to tend to a child impacts their sex life and desire.
• Frequent nighttime waking disrupts the body's response to sexual arousal and the cognitive distraction affects sexual functioning.
• Parents should focus on sharing the responsibility of nighttime waking to prioritize their sex life.
• Sex may resume when the child is around six years old, but it varies depending on individual circumstances and habits.
• Low levels of sexual currency, high levels of awkwardness, and not prioritizing time together can hinder a couple's sex life.

At What Point Should People Reach Out to You? (01:17:15)

• People should reach out for help sooner rather than waiting until their sex life has significantly deteriorated.
• Seeking help early allows for easier reversal of negative habits and patterns.
• A sex expert can be seen as a personal trainer for one's sex life, helping to improve, maintain, or enhance sexual experiences.

Have You Ever Seen Relationships That Are Unrecoverable? (01:17:57)

• Resentment is a strong indicator of a challenging relationship.
• Sometimes an unrecoverable relationship can be a good outcome, especially if monogamy is not a priority.
• Long-standing resentment, sexual incompatibility, and lack of sexual compatibility can contribute to an unrecoverable relationship.

The Top 3 Most Common Sexual Problems (01:19:21)

• The most common problem is a great relationship with a lack of sexual initiation or desire.
• Specific problems with bodies and sex, such as pain during penetration, erectile dysfunction, and orgasm concerns, are also common.
• Navigating change, such as one partner's growth leading to unmet sexual needs or unexplored fantasies, can cause sexual relationship crises.

The Impact of Pets on Our Sex Lives (01:21:22)

• Pets can have a surprising impact on people's sex lives.
• Pets may try to get involved, watch, or be in the room during sex, which can be distracting and mood-ruining.
• Pets may also react negatively to sex, such as barking, scratching at the door, or urinating.
• Pets should come with a warning label for their potential impact on sex lives.

Are You Hopeful for the Future of Sex? (01:23:19)

• There has been a boost in sex positivity in the media and on social media.
• This increased sex positivity has not yet trickled down to the therapy room.
• The hope is that in the next decade, there will be a greater understanding and acceptance of different sexualities and relationship structures.
• This increased understanding can lead to better first sexual experiences for younger people, which can have a positive impact on their lifelong sexual satisfaction.

How Menopause Affects Our Sex Lives (01:24:40)

• Menopause can affect a person's sexual desire due to hormonal changes and physical symptoms like hot flushes, aches, pains, and mood changes.
• Psychosocial factors related to long-term relationships and changes in desire can also impact sexual interest during menopause.
• Hormonal fluctuations during menstrual cycles affect people's receptiveness to sex and the types of sex they're interested in.

Our Bodies Changing Over Time and How That Impacts Our Sex Lives (01:25:57)

• Body changes after having children can impact self-confidence and potentially affect attraction.
• Many people worry that their partners won't find them as attractive due to stretch marks or body changes.
• Open communication with partners about these concerns can help alleviate worries and maintain attraction.

Are We Meant to Be Monogamous? (01:27:03)

• Humans are not naturally inclined toward long-term monogamy and require conscious effort, nurturing, and growth to maintain sexual interest in monogamous relationships.
• Spontaneous desire and sexual currency decrease in long-term monogamous relationships, making novelty and variety essential for keeping sex exciting.
• Open relationship structures, such as polyamorous relationships, are gaining popularity and offer alternatives to traditional monogamy, but they require work, boundaries, communication, and managing constant flux.
• Romantic love for a partner is finite and can be lost if it moves to someone else, but this concept is unique to romantic love and does not apply to love for children or friends.
• It is possible to love multiple people, but the fear of losing the connection with one partner may arise due to the perceived threat to the relationship.
• Relationship structures may evolve in the future, and it will be interesting to observe how they change in the coming decades.

The Last Guest’s Question (01:32:27)

• Dr. Karen Gurney received two questions from the previous guest.
• The first question was about the worst advice she had ever received, which was from her first supervisor who told her she didn't have the qualities to be a clinical psychologist.
• The second question was about advice for Steven Bartler on improving sex, which was to create a culture of talking about sex often, initiating freely, and being comfortable with being turned down.
• Dr. Karen Gurney's books, including her new book "How Not to Let Having Kids Ruin Your Sex Life," are recommended as essential reading for parents struggling with their sex life.
• The books are described as inclusive, easy to read, and offer a refreshing perspective on sex.