The Sex Expert: "Casual Sex Is Almost Always Dangerous For Women!" - Louise Perry

The Sex Expert: "Casual Sex Is Almost Always Dangerous For Women!" - Louise Perry

Intro (00:00:00)

  • Louise Perry, a journalist, author, and podcast host, discusses her views on sexual politics and the impact of modern feminist movements.
  • She argues that casual sex is riskier for women than it's worth and that a culture that prioritizes male preferences for casual sex harms both men and women.
  • Women tend to get emotionally bonded from sex more than men, leading to potential misery.

What are you trying to achieve?? (00:02:21)

  • Louise Perry is currently in the season of her life where she is having a baby.
  • She is interested in exploring the social phenomena she has often written and talked about, particularly the role of women in public life and the conflict between women's ability to bear children and their participation in society.
  • She argues that the introduction of the birth control pill in the 1960s, which allowed women to control their fertility, has had a profound impact on women's public role and social experiences.

What does society disagree with you on? (00:04:24)

  • Louise Perry believes that society generally views the introduction of the birth control pill as an unambiguously good thing without any trade-offs.
  • She argues that there have been trade-offs and that the impact of the pill is not entirely positive.

The trade-offs of the contraceptive pill (00:05:00)

  • The contraceptive pill allows people to plan their families and space out births, which is beneficial for women's health.
  • However, the pill has also contributed to declining birth rates and cultural changes that have impacted women negatively.

How has sexual culture changed? (00:06:09)

  • The sexual revolution has primarily benefited a small subset of men, such as Hugh Hefner, who have multiple sexual partners without the constraints of marriage or unwanted pregnancies due to the pill.
  • This cultural shift towards male preferences in sexuality has been costly for women, as it does not account for important psychological differences between men and women.

Working in a rape crisis centre (00:07:38)

  • The author initially held mainstream progressive views and worked at a rape crisis center.
  • Working with victims of sexual violence challenged her previous beliefs about the nature of sexual violence.
  • She observed that the peak age of male perpetration of sexual violence aligns with the peak of testosterone levels, suggesting a biological component to the behavior.
  • The peak age of female victimization corresponds with peak fertility, further indicating a biological aspect to sexual violence.

How to channel men's aggression in the right direction (00:10:28)

  • Male aggression is a biological phenomenon observed in humans and other primates.
  • It poses a challenge to society to protect young women during their vulnerable years.
  • The author criticizes feminists for not acknowledging the physical differences between men and women and the risks associated with casual sex for women.
  • She believes that young women should be educated about these realities to make informed decisions.

The physical differences between men and women (00:12:38)

  • Men and women have significant physical differences, with men having double the upper body strength of women on average.
  • In sports, the gap between men and women is most evident in strength sports and sprinting.
  • Women have their own reserved sporting categories because they would be outnumbered by men in elite sports.
  • While cardio differences are not as significant, there is a consistent gap in endurance sports, with women performing at around 85% of men's level.

How men and women differ in their view on sexuality (00:14:07)

  • Casual sex is generally more risky for women due to the physical asymmetry between men and women and the risk of pregnancy, even with contraception.
  • Men are generally keener on casual sex than women, as evidenced by cross-cultural studies.

Why men are more likely to have casual sex (00:15:37)

  • Studies show that men are more likely to agree to casual sex compared to women.
  • This is consistent across different times and places.
  • Surveys show that women do not watch more porn, express more desire for casual sex, or buy sex more than men.
  • This suggests that the difference in sexual behavior between men and women is innate rather than a social construct.
  • There are some exceptions in the animal kingdom, such as spiders, where females are more sexually aggressive.
  • Among primates, there is variation in sexual behavior, with some species like bonobos engaging in more casual sex.
  • On average, men are more keen on casual sex than women, although there are individual outliers.
  • When considering the impact of casual sex on culture, it is important to think about how it affects men and women differently.

How does a culture of casual sex impact women (00:18:38)

  • Women tend to prefer monogamy and signs of commitment due to the risks and responsibilities of pregnancy and child-rearing.
  • Men, facing minimal risks and involvement in raising children, have different sexual preferences.
  • Young women often feel pressured to engage in casual sex, leading to unhappiness with the current sexual culture.
  • There is a lack of understanding between men and women regarding their sexual desires and experiences.
  • Teenage girls are susceptible to social contagion and peer pressure, leading to a desire for approval and a fear of being perceived negatively.
  • Casual sex can be dangerous for women, who may engage in it to impress others or feel pressured to do so.
  • Some men criticize women for not being assertive enough, ignoring the power dynamics and social pressures that make it difficult for women to say no.
  • Young girls and women are particularly vulnerable to the risks of casual sex.

Repercussions of casual sex in society (00:24:10)

  • The invention of the birth control pill, which reduced the risk of pregnancy, has made casual sex more common.
  • Historically, women were expected to wait until engagement, marriage, or a long-term relationship before having sex, but the pill shifted the default expectation to having sex sooner.
  • The power dynamic between men and women regarding sex has shifted in favor of men due to the pill, making it more difficult for women to say no to sex without offending or upsetting their partners.
  • Casual sex can be dangerous for women because it often leads to misunderstandings and a lack of communication between partners, which is exacerbated by alcohol.

The lack of communication and education is hurting both genders (00:29:33)

  • Casual sex is happening sooner in interactions between men and women, often on the first or second date.
  • The lack of communication and education about casual sex is harming both men and women in the long term.
  • Women often feel bad about themselves after casual sex, while men generally do not.
  • Women have a lower disgust threshold than men and are more likely to feel disgusted by unwanted sex.

Why women have icks towards men (00:31:57)

  • Women often experience sudden feelings of disgust towards men, known as "icks."
  • An example is a woman rejecting a man because he had cardboard boxes on the wardrobe behind him in his profile picture.
  • Women may use icks as cues to assess a man's long-term potential and suitability for marriage.
  • Women's bodies may be sensitive to subtle cues that they may miss consciously, and it can be beneficial for women to listen to their instincts.

Women should listen to their icks (00:34:09)

  • Women should pay attention to their instincts and feelings of unease, known as "icks," when interacting with men.
  • Ignoring these instincts can have serious consequences, as illustrated by stories of women who were attacked by men they had bad feelings about.
  • Women's unconscious brains may be more attuned to these instincts than men's, due to the greater threat of sexual violence faced by women.
  • Women's intuition about unsafe areas often aligns with actual crime rates, demonstrating the accuracy of these instincts.
  • Evolutionarily, women have developed protective instincts to avoid the negative consequences of rape, such as carrying a rapist's baby and social ostracism.
  • While 15-year-old girls have some innate protective instincts, they lack life experience, making social conventions important for their protection.

Women's 6th sense (00:38:49)

  • Women have a different radar compared to men and can spot different things.
  • This can be useful in business, as women can often spot things in candidates that men miss.
  • Men and women may have different "sixth senses" that have evolved due to evolutionary differences.
  • Differences between men and women can be seen in relationships, with women often operating on a different frequency to men.
  • There is a taboo around discussing sex differences due to the risk of discrimination against women.
  • Feminists are concerned that overplaying psychological differences between men and women could lead to discrimination.
  • Ignoring these differences doesn't do anyone any favors, and we should be honest about them while also recognizing that they don't imply women are inferior.
  • Diversity in the workplace, especially in the hiring process, can be beneficial as women can bring different perspectives and insights.

There are some jobs women shouldn't do due to biology (00:41:41)

  • The speaker believes that physical differences between men and women make women less suitable for frontline policing roles, especially in the UK where police officers do not carry guns.
  • Lowering physical standards to increase female representation in physically demanding roles like policing and firefighting is not advisable as it compromises effectiveness.
  • While some women may be physically capable, the speaker suggests that only a small percentage would meet the necessary standards due to factors like upper body strength and aggression.
  • Female police officers may hesitate more in physical confrontations due to deep-seated instincts.
  • Balancing the need for physical courage with the challenges posed by youthful male energy, including sexual violence and violent crime, remains a societal challenge.
  • Policing casual sex is complicated due to physical differences between men and women, including testosterone levels and the low likelihood of women being involved in violent situations.
  • Men are more likely to escalate a situation to violence.
  • The recent terrorist attack in Australia demonstrated the effectiveness of a woman with a gun in stopping a violent situation.

Heroic masculinity (00:47:23)

  • Heroic masculinity is often associated with men running into danger to save others, as seen in the 9/11 attacks and the Australian terrorist attack.
  • Physical courage is often an unconscious reaction, and people may not realize they have it until confronted with a dangerous situation.
  • Women are known to exhibit incredible strength and aggression when protecting their children.

Social media affecting our view on relationships & dating (00:49:01)

  • Social media can create unrealistic expectations and "icks" that hinder people from forming relationships.
  • People may become overly picky due to social media's influence, such as only wanting to date people over a certain height.
  • Modern technology and dating apps don't capture the nuances of mutual sexual attraction, which is influenced by pheromones, vibes, and in-person interactions.
  • Some women are considered too picky when it comes to dating.
  • The introduction of the birth control pill impacted women's negotiations during first encounters.
  • Waiting until engagement to have sex may be a better option for men than waiting for three months.

Wait until engagement to have sex (00:51:33)

  • Casual sex poses risks for women, including sexually transmitted infections (STIs), unplanned pregnancies, and emotional distress.
  • Cultural norms and expectations significantly influence sexual behavior, with the rejection of traditional conventions in the 1960s leading to a more permissive sexual culture.
  • Human reproduction is a complex process requiring careful coordination and commitment, leading societies to develop customs and rules to regulate heterosexuality.
  • While the dissolution of traditional marriage customs has brought benefits, it has also resulted in negative consequences, such as high rates of fatherless homes and increased sexual risks.
  • Every culture has some form of marriage customs, and the idea of a completely free-for-all approach to sex is questionable.
  • Anthropological evidence suggests that humans need structure, conventions, constraints, and templates in their relationships, although these structures may sometimes feel restrictive and may not work well for everyone.

The dating crisis (00:56:50)

  • Hypergamy, the tendency for women to seek partners of higher social status, leads to a situation where attractive men receive excessive attention on dating apps while less attractive men receive none.
  • The lack of monogamy and commitment expectations allows attractive men to have multiple partners simultaneously, leading to frustration among women who desire commitment and among less attractive men who receive no attention.
  • Monogamous marriage acts as a form of "sexual socialism," preventing the accumulation of multiple partners by attractive men and promoting a more equal distribution of partners.
  • Polygamy, while perhaps more natural for humans, can lead to social instability due to the presence of unmarried and sexless men who become frustrated and angry.
  • Monogamy, on the other hand, promotes social stability by reducing male aggression and promiscuity, as men become less focused on sexual pursuits when directly involved in caring for their children.
  • Polygamous societies tend to have higher rates of domestic violence and conflict within households compared to monogamous societies.
  • Monogamy, despite not being the anthropological norm, has proven to be a successful social norm, contributing to the success of some of the most stable societies.

Why you should have sex before marriage (01:01:20)

  • Women tend to get emotionally bonded from sex more than men.
  • Casual sex can lead to emotional distress for women.
  • Women risk getting pregnant even with modern contraception.
  • A diamond ring is a good demonstration of commitment and a way to ensure a man won't ditch a woman if she gets pregnant.

Why is marriage good (01:04:08)

  • Marriage is good for women because of the nature of carrying children.
  • During pregnancy and early motherhood, women are unable to fully participate in the labor market.
  • Mothers and babies are not completely autonomous individuals, as babies are completely dependent on their mothers.
  • Marriage provides a supportive structure for women during these times, with a partner who can provide financial and practical support.
  • Casual sex is often dangerous for women because it can lead to unplanned pregnancies and sexually transmitted infections (STIs).
  • Women are more likely to be victims of sexual assault and violence in casual sexual encounters.
  • Casual sex can also lead to emotional distress and psychological problems for women.

How likely you're to get divorced (01:08:12)

  • Divorce rates are high, with 56% of marriages ending in divorce.
  • The definition of failure in marriage can be subjective, with many unhappy marriages continuing due to discomfort with divorce.
  • Divorce culture contributes to the high divorce rate, with people making permanent decisions during temporary periods of stress.
  • A significant number of people regret getting divorced, with about a third experiencing regret.
  • Multiple marriages and serial offenders contribute to the high divorce rate.
  • Class and education play a role in divorce rates, with only 10% of graduates who get married ending in divorce.
  • Elite graduate classes tend to talk about freedom and choice but live conventional lives, getting married, staying married, and having children.
  • Staying together for the sake of children is often beneficial, as the presence of stepparents can negatively impact children.

Step-parents vs biological parents (01:11:41)

  • The Cinderella effect in evolutionary psychology suggests that children with a stepparent are more at risk of child abuse than those without.
  • Having a genetic investment in children helps parents cope with the challenges of parenting and overlook their children's misbehavior.
  • Stepparents may unconsciously favor their biological children over stepchildren, leading to subtle forms of disfavor and neglect.
  • Adoptive parents undergo thorough screening due to the recognition that adopted children may have additional challenges and require a more careful and supportive environment.
  • Casual sex can be dangerous for women as it increases the risk of physical and emotional harm.
  • Women are more likely to experience negative consequences from casual sex, including sexually transmitted infections (STIs), unplanned pregnancy, and psychological distress.
  • Men, on the other hand, tend to experience more positive outcomes from casual sex, such as increased self-esteem and social status.
  • The power dynamics in casual sexual encounters often favor men, leaving women vulnerable to exploitation and abuse.
  • Women should be aware of the risks associated with casual sex and take steps to protect themselves, such as using contraception and communicating their boundaries.

Why are you saying these unpopular opinions (01:15:26)

  • Louise Perry says she was concerned about the consequences of people being annoyed by her unpopular opinions.
  • However, she has received overwhelmingly positive feedback, especially from dads worried about their daughters and sons, and from women who have lived through the experiences she describes in her book.
  • Many dads have expressed gratitude for Perry's book and have requested a young adult version, which Perry is working on.
  • Perry also hears from women who have conformed to masculine ideals and later realized it was detrimental to them.
  • Some women have even credited Perry's book with their decision to have children, as it helped them realize that being a mother is not a lesser choice.
  • Perry believes that society currently pushes women towards the masculine role more often than the other way around.
  • She argues that it is okay for women to embrace feminine choices, such as being a mother, wanting monogamy, or prioritizing children over career.
  • Perry believes that saying being just a mom is worse is sexist and that society should elevate feminine values.

The decline in birth rates (01:20:29)

  • Declining birth rates pose significant political and economic challenges globally, with fertility rates decreasing from 4.84 live births per woman in 1950 to 2.2 in 2021 and projected to drop further.
  • Affluence is the primary factor explaining the decline in fertility rates worldwide, with mortality salience, the awareness of death, also influencing people's desire to have children.
  • South Korea has the lowest birth rates globally, with a fertility rate of 0.7 babies per woman, leading to a projected 95% population loss in the next century.
  • Urbanization, hyper-modernity, and the rise of pornography may contribute to low fertility rates and the decline of sexual activity.

What porn is doing to your brain (01:25:55)

  • Study from 2014 found that men who watched hours of porn each week had decreased gray matter in the area of their brain associated with sexual stimulation.
  • Porn consumption among women is increasing, with almost 3 out of 10 Pornhub users being female by the end of 2019.
  • Porn industry has a tendency to exploit vulnerable people, with high suicide rates and drug dependency among porn performers.
  • Porn is often not ethically produced, and claims of ethical production are often questionable.
  • Excessive masturbation can lead to "death grip syndrome," where a man's sensitivity decreases, making it difficult to have proper sex.
  • "Cultural death grip syndrome" refers to the psychological impact of constant and easily accessible sexual stimuli, which can reduce people's drive to form relationships.
  • Porn can reduce a man's desire to go on dates or engage in relationships.
  • Premarital sex and porn can reduce young men's motivation to pursue traditional life goals such as getting a job, avoiding crime, and getting married.
  • Porn and premarital sex can undermine the natural drive and motivation that young men have for reproduction.

Is reproduction at the heart of male motivation? (01:30:55)

  • Sex is a significant motivator for most men.
  • Technology solving reproduction issues might impact male motivation for climbing and strength.
  • Pornography is sometimes seen as reducing sexual violence, but this claim is hard to measure and is met with skepticism.

Unwanted choking during sex (01:31:42)

  • Unwanted choking during sex has increased, especially among younger generations.
  • Pornography has normalized rough sex, leading to a 10-fold increase in such behaviors.
  • The normalization of violent sexual acts can lead to distressing and dangerous experiences for young women.
  • Some women may ask for or enjoy choking, influenced by societal norms and peer pressure.
  • Women may seek domination in safe, trusting relationships, but it becomes problematic when pursued with unfamiliar partners.
  • Pornography can mislead men about women's desires and lead to risky behavior.

Should we ban porn? (01:34:03)

  • Pornography addiction is a serious issue, and banning it could undermine faith in the legal system as people would likely continue to access it illegally.
  • Sex work often involves psychological and physical harm, and some former porn stars, like Jenna Jameson, have spoken out against the industry's exploitative nature.
  • Buying sex should be illegal, while selling sex should not, as this protects sex workers from exploitation.
  • Casual sex can be dangerous for women, and the criminalization of sex work clients, coupled with support for sex workers, can reduce demand and curb the industry.
  • Pornography is easily accessible to the younger generation and can negatively impact their sexual development, relationships, and self-esteem.
  • Pornography reinforces certain sexual behaviors and expectations, influencing individuals' perceptions of how people should look and perform in bed.
  • The rise in plastic surgery, influenced by social media and pornography, contributes to unrealistic body expectations and negative self-esteem.

What are we attracted to? (01:41:15)

  • There is a discrepancy between what people find attractive in 2D (e.g., photos) and 3D (in person).
  • Societal and political correctness influence discussions about attraction.
  • Evolutionary perspectives suggest differences in male and female attraction.
  • Men are attracted to a waist-to-hip ratio of 0.7 in women.
  • Women prefer men with moderate masculinity (8-9 out of 10), avoiding overly macho or feminine traits.
  • This balance in women's preferences is due to the desire for strength and protection without excessive aggression.
  • Men generally find increased femininity attractive in women.
  • Lower body strength shows less divergence between sexes compared to upper body strength.
  • Modern society's reduced polarization and increased sexual egalitarianism may lead to a craving for sexual difference.
  • BDSM's popularity could be attributed to the desire for hyper masculine and hyper feminine behaviors.
  • Casual sex can be dangerous for women due to the risk of physical and emotional harm.
  • Women are more likely to experience negative consequences from casual sex, including sexually transmitted infections (STIs), unplanned pregnancy, and psychological distress.
  • Men, on the other hand, tend to experience more positive outcomes from casual sex, such as increased self-esteem and social status.
  • The power dynamics in casual sex often favor men, leaving women vulnerable to exploitation and abuse.
  • Women should carefully consider the risks and benefits of casual sex before engaging in it.

Better looking people bias (01:45:29)

  • People who are more attractive tend to do better in various aspects of life, such as receiving better treatment, having more successful careers, and getting more tips.
  • The beauty industry and gym culture reflect the societal emphasis on physical appearance.
  • Discussing these disparities can be uncomfortable due to the unfairness and trade-offs associated with physical attractiveness.
  • Some people choose to avoid acknowledging these issues to cope with the discomfort they cause.

The last guest's question (01:48:44)

  • Louise Perry believes that people often lie to themselves to cope with the challenges of life.
  • She suggests that accepting too much truth can be overwhelming, so people use "little white lies" to help them get through the day.

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